performing a portrait

when repentance is a factor of conversation, competition. when modesty becomes a runway show more than anything else. you get an A for effort for sure. but you also get daggers for friends and devils for companions. and before you know it, the rewards flow through your fingers like sand. nothing but an empty soul clothed in tracing paper. 

steady now, hold your horses. pull the reins back and get back down. 

stop moving. 

just. stop. 

the concretes of youth

still stands strong. 

in the same shade, texture. 

architecture. 

for if these walls could talk.

and if they could capture the innocence of now, before and yonder.

and if. 

will twenty years from now still see you.

see me, seeing you. 

it was impossible to think of it before.

it could be possible in the future. 

but will it still stand strong? 

or pretend to even look it? 

will i still remember? 

do i even want to, then? 

--- 

memory lane is not a funny place to visit. not in the least. 

the tongue that tastes

make or break with words you said. diminishing all forms of thought and memories made. with a single sound or sigh that punctuates your breath, you either kill a moment or immortalise it. unknowingly, yet with full intention. 

--- 

the day has been blessed with good food, laughter and a whole lot of patience. >> such virtue which i once thought only existed in a parallel world. perhaps i should give myself more credit than i usually do. perhaps i should. 

of space and intrusion

let security and stability not be the root of your evil. not even your own flesh and blood. for to break into the homes of others as your bread and butter is not only maniacal but also guarantees your throne in your version of paradise. 

--- 

last night i dreamt of SAA and the late uncle M. of new garb, new shoes and new shelter. 

dreams can be uplifting. 

listened to le tigre and kate nash. 

the bigger sin

recent studies have shown that envy > regret.

it’s torturous and
it’s sadistic.
it’s pure murder.

what do you achieve with comparisons and what do you achieve with ‘what ifs’?
absofuckinglutely nothing.

so why bother?

unless of course.

you thrive on pain.
you live for suffering and.
you gain joy from beating yourself up  with what you coulda/shoulda/woulda.

-
right, then.

listen to ‘saturday looks good to me’. 

behind schedule

//if only

you could predict
foresee
and foretell
and had it all fuckin' prophesied.

if only.//

but am i damn glad i never boarded your plane.
and relied on limited footwear.

exploit yourself all the way.
but typically, only after.

---
if only...

just consumed 'the punk singer'.
now listening to sauna youth.

the last of 2013 was
: being driven to school (possibly high school but it wasn't the school i went to. the uniform resembled that of st margaret's but it was co-ed?) and did not have my notes in order. upon arrival at pick-up-point, i then noticed the 2 most important files i needed next to me. a classmate then asked how i commuted, i said my dad drove me only to realize that it couldn't be possible... :

some recent course-related dreams (in chronological order) :
:  (1) went for a walk with a tutor and passed by a flea market selling strange antiquities and vintage trinkets. detoured from the walk and went to visit a friend's cafe instead. (2) saw myself seated in a seminar and saw another tutor seated not too far away and quickly made my exit. (3) attended the lecture of tutor in (1) and saved some seats for my course mates but they opted to sit elsewhere. (4) hung out with tutor in (2) and discussed the history of greenday. the band. (5) went back to supposedly volunteer and help out with the new candidates and saw they had to watch a video during orientation which i didn't. and i was glad i didn't have to and they were then made to do some really trivial group task. and again i was glad i didn't have to. quickly collected my luggage and left.:

there is no logical explanation to those last 5 dreams but merely the fact that my mind was absolutely occupied with nothing else but surviving the course. perhaps to ace it was stretching my goals a little too high but hey, it is okay to have ambition and to aim for the best. yes, disappointment for not achieving what i aimed but no regrets for embarking on such a battle and getting through it.

as with all other battles.
and still fighting some.

2013 - you have been challenging from day 1 and while most hope for a better year, i can't even begin to wonder what 'better' really is.

words go forwards and back. type. backspace. type. delete. type. pause.

---

there is a reason.
there is a purpose.
there is a cause.

nobody might care. but so what, eh? :)

//  the new year was greeted with the consumption of 'sound city'. a good documentary to watch. try to ignore the main marketing campaign behind it all but hey, be inspired. go inspire. go. //