a merry un-birthday

dearest gryswtr,

here's wishing you a very happy 8th birthday!
and may there be lots more to come!
may the dreams come a'rollin
and the hallucinations come a'kickin.
and may everything else climb and collapse
in never ending absurdity.

xox

when familiarity breeds contempt

once upon a moment, digits and letters held meaning in a heart. but a two headed king called time made meaning better and worse and constantly altered it. meaning constantly weighed on scales to find its balance. the digits and letters clutched to whatever memory that remained and painted facades over and over again so that the heart would not be empty. for an empty heart was pointless and had no reason to survive anymore. time would test and conquer and defeat uncontrollably. however, a masked heart will one day reveal itself and the digits and letters will crumble victoriously buried in the moment. the heart will thus be empty but there are stains to remind it of what remained before. heart will consult the mind and the mind will give never ending solutions and options.

a damaged heart is not a dead heart.
it is only wounded to be revived and resuscitated.
for new digits. for new letters.

a resurrection will be held ceremoniously.
but only on time's terms and conditions.

will the heart ever dare to place another signature?

maybe and maybe not.

xox

all housed up

some days ago :

: i had an option of three houses. in no order, there was an apartment in prahran, melbourne australia and while it was convenient, i felt that i'd be far away from my family. then there was a really huge house with big colourful rooms but everything was hidden behind closets and secret pathways...it was like living in a pop-up card. finally, a decent house but couldn't step in because it already belonged to someone else. :

last nite :

: 1. a travelling cult who just arrived in malaysia got my number and wanted me to come over. my family and i were ready to call the authorities but before i could get the exact location of where they were, the phone line cut us off. the lady who called was dressed in white and i somehow imagined her floating above a lily pad in the middle of a lake in the middle of nowhere.

2. new house. the basement was where it was at! the sprites loved it and it was their playroom and then he moved in and it became his room. but the sprites continued playing there in the day. there were five televisions but only one remote. *switch* same scene but i had to entertain visitors from abroad and infidelity almost took place but i did not feel guilty at all.  :

woke up staring at the wall...mouthing out these words...
"where is the faith?"
we all hope and we all care and we want difference.

there will be difference.
but only if you want to.

i need to.

xox

sometime last week :
: the world was divided into trekkies and star wars characters and you couldn't be in both worlds. on my way to register my 'passport', i went to the auditorium to watch a black and white documentary on blur (the band).  initially i was in the front row and then shifted to the middle row to sit in between politicians' wives who had really big hair. maybe they were wigs. anyway, after the doco, a riot broke out and i met a classmate from high school and he was a trekkie and he saw me off to my apartment and when i said "see ya!", he replied with "long live and prosper".

last night :
: went to a strange art show that was in a huge mall and there were many different themed rooms. one of the rooms had a wardrobe with clothes i had as a child. but really, i never did have such dresses. went to the second floor where i got stuck in a cooking show and i had to help the chef wash up many different sized bowls and wipe them with odd shaped dishrags. a fire then broke out and i ran to the parking lot and the security guard made a lot of fuss cos my driver had double parked. then i was transported to a room where i saw myself sleeping and when i woke up, i could only see with one eye cos the other eye shrank. :

listen to rem.

them nightmares are a-haunting me.

(i) : did not like the crowd i was with and ran on the open road. there was no traffic and i picked up the pace and day turned to night and the streetlights went off and i came to a dead end. had to turn back around and jumped into a block of apartments and hid under the stairs for a while and jumped back out again. :

(ii) : in a supposedly new mall and checked out the department store until closing time. and suddenly everyone turned into zombies. in a flash, i was on the sidewalk and was gonna share a cab with a chinese lady but then decided against it. :

(iii) : mother instructed me to bake some cookies and insisted on castor sugar for the mixture but there wasn't any. a second look at the recipe and i had to include chicken bones too. so operation : cookie bake was abandoned and the guests arrived and i couldn't be fucked. :

listen to the shaggs. (ok i kid. please don't.)

: gave a bowl of milk to a white stray cat with a decapitated body. it then morphed into a seven year old girl who claimed my husband to be her boyfriend. then went for a short daytrip across the causeway. returned and stopped by the most expensive shabby furniture shop that sold plastic laundry baskets ranging from twenty to thirty dollars. :

what is there to listen to these days.
you wanna share?

this is/was not a dream.
not a tangent from the subconscious.
just a little thought hanging from a fine thread...
falling...descending....into...nothing.

it has reached the climax.
where one is able to contain any further.
and what other outlet do i have?
but the enemy.
be with the enemy to run from the enemy.
but of course.

a certain course of fate has made me question constantly
about our way of communication.
and what we achieve from it.
our form of success and content.

this is what we have been reduced to.
these fine minute irrelevancies which are deemed relevant.
and if we submit.
we are in the club.
we belong.
we are in 'the loop'.

making a big deal out of nothing, am i now?
but at least it does not kill me if i am not updated.

see observe.
hear listen.
touch feel.
taste savour.
smell.

invalids. that is what you are.

p.s. me singular you plural. remember?

---

listen to chefs with bad accents.