dedicated to thejealouspunk.

"we - as a deck of cards"
by nadia almashoor



they hand us down.

they shuffle us around.

but yet we still remain in the deck.

and all we need to do sometimes is to paint the roses red.



blanket your eyes everyone.

boredom can lead to suicide.

but at least i won't end up in jail.

but i hear in the "other" prison i'd end up in,

there is no such thing as bail.

oh...decisions can be so tough.

: went for a bbq by the beach with ex classmates from perth, australia. there was a strange way of lighting the coal. later in the evening, me and bc went to get groceries and i bumped into a college friend who didn't go to the prom. there was something wrong with her dress but nothing i could do about it. then we realized we forgot to get cigarettes so we had to to go to the shops again. but this time, following another route because the rooms we passed on the way to the shops...well, there was some major orgy going on. however, no matter how much we tried to avoid seeing such debauchery, we nearly went into a room where a young nymph was getting devoured by a shrivelled old man. in a bathtub. in the morning, there was a raid for drugs and i saw this girl who i was certain had e on her but she got away with it by saying they were zoloft. jeez. :

: a skater ate human skulls for fun and the rest of the body he would shove it in his cat. it was a white american short haired cat. and it was average sized. not an enormous creature or anything. :

plastiqueusa : this is what i don't like about dreams.

plastiqueusa: there is no control.

plastiqueusa: the impossibilities.


how right he is.

the channel plays the velvet underground, redhousepainters and slowdive.

: michael stipe called while he was on tour in spain. and dedicated 'losing my religion' to me. but it sounded more like 'shiny happy people'. still, it was good of him to do so. :

the other part of the dream involved me and some kids going for a late night walk and we witnessed a break in but the owner of the house managed to trap the burglar and he gave us the burglar's wallet to keep. loads of money in it but we had to split between the 6 of us.

: irritating girl puked on my bedroom floor and i told her to wash it off but she didn't want to. there was blood as well and it got to my feet. i couldn't bear the sight so i had to do the cleaning up. what a cunt. :

: was sitting in a dark and gloomy cafe and my company was a bunch of soft toys. whilst they didn't respond to me "normally", i knew they were not really in the mood to eat so i had to get take-aways instead. one of the bears wasn't feeling so well and laid face down in the back seat of the car. :

last night i dreamt of fireworks.

last last night i dreamt of lucifer.

according to dream moods :

To see fireworks in your dream, symbolizes enthusiasm, creativity, and talent. It may also indicate that you are showing off and making a spectacle of yourself.

oh great.
won't bother with lucifer.

you reckon it's a bad sign that i start picking up dostoyevsky again?
oh it's just a phase, i say.

thejealouspunk made me listen to blur.

16. 12. 04

i bet you a lot of people would be dead today.
we live by numbers whether we like it or not.
for me, numbers are not just digits.
they are my friends too.

p.s. thank you poeku radio.

a question.
so what are people supposed to do if they want to avoid a collision (thud!) but still lie in the field, enjoying the clouds drifting by, listening to the grass grow - not thinking in other words? sounds hard? not at all. logically, it's easy. c'est simple. the answer is dreams. dreaming on and on. entering the world of dreams, and never coming out. living in dreams for the rest of time.

in dreams you don't need to make any distinctions between things. not at all. boundaries don't exist. so in dreams there are hardly ever collisions. even if there are, they don't hurt.

reality is different. reality bites.
reality, reality.

sputnik sweetheart by haruki murakami.
pg 148.
---
i remember being obsessed with murakami a couple of years ago. there was a sense of elation every time i got to the final page. sometimes i wish to feel like that again with the books i pick up nowadays.

too many choices and too high the expectations.

long time no dream.

and even if i do, they are either fragmented or lost.and i wake up screaming.
never ask me "how's life?" for i will fucking kill you.and you better believe it.

for those in the know, it has been exactly a year.cheers.


watch 2046.
it is good.

many dreams last night. none i can remember but one where i was trying to escape from the window of a toilet and the window had very old frosted glass panes. so i had to slide one pane at a time and when i did manage to escape (from villains of marvel comics) i did not have to fall to the ground but instead walk across to the other room and walk out the entrance of the house and wait for the elevator. nonsense.

i've been ill. what else is new?

need to see the beach again.
maybe that will happen soon.

more surprises to come in the following days.

they should be good.

music has been a bore. someone make me a mixcd or recommend me stuff. please.

: went to plastiqueusa's house and there were lots of turnings and pillars. the atmosphere was rather strange. and i wanted to check out the fish but i saw no traces of fishtanks. a while later she came over and things were okay until she asked you whether you wanted to go for some wine party and it was on her and i walked out without saying goodbye to anyone. before i left though, plastiqueusa told me to get the keys behind the door and keep it. as he lived on a high level, naturally one would take the elevators but no. i went down the stairs and the lighting was rather dim. :

: .in search of cigarettes because i do not like dunhill lights. a nearby coffeeshop did not carry sampoerna and they had pall mall menthols which i didn't mind but it was 15$ and i said no, forget it. then we walked further up to a 7-11 and i could get sampoerna menthols from the vending machine inside the store. and it was 1.60$. :

: saw a turtle tied up in strings and elevated into the air and it was spun around several times. it was not the circus but in a strange hall in a strange building. :

some nights ago i dreamt of body mutilation and saw people carve their arms out with swords.

happy eid mubarak to all muslims.

lists are fun.

shopping lists, to do lists, they are all fun.

here's my current dream possessions lists:

ps2 (to be shared with tjp)

it is vital for every kid who knows how to operate a television and a computer. it is essential for every kid who still lives with their parents after age 21 and lack social skills. very very important.

a lightsaber

miracles happen all the time. i will speak no further.

adidas embroidered maryjanes.

most girls like shoes. i am most girls. sometimes.



flight tickets to france for next month would be good too. but first i need to see a proper beach with proper sand and sea. and that better happen in two days. uh huh.

: was being possessed and so was another child. i saw possessed me and mother and the other child with his mom and there was a knife between us and i was waiting for mother to stab me. :

and then i was awoken by a text message.

there are no more photographs on my wall.
because i choose not to remember anymore.

we unite with our hearts.
not with our interests nor vices, you stupid fuckin idiots.

: in a town where most of the population were blind or had one eye only. managed to get out of there quick and i was carrying lulu at the same time. i nearly lost her from my grip but all was fine and when we got to the car, the seats had turned to grass. :



...hark the herald angels sing...

: kept washing my face over and over again. :



there is something strange in the air.

cannot wait to be out of here by the 15th.

: inventing food again. those m&m donuts looked good. :

: went to see the locust twice on two consecutive days. the first gig the crowd was hysterical and i got knocked on the shoulders and the entire show was really tight. the latter, the crowd was more subdued and i was able to be right in front and sit on top of a piano. pearson was not wearing the typical masked outfit but only a ski mask, a beanie, an old jacket, tattered pants and wellington boots. i brought my camera but was not in the mood to take photos. later on they played struggle's "war #1" and even covered black cat #13. :

this is not the first time i've dreamt of going to see the locust and not being in the mood to take photos. i doubt there's any psychological reasons behind it really.

some nights ago i dreamt of a super awesome sandwich bar and had a super awesome croissant with amazing amounts of stuffing. it rocked.

got my salad.

now i need cottage cheese.

thenamesite

Name Origin: Russian
Number of Syllables: 3.00
Gender: Female

More interesting facts about the name:

Lucky Number: 2
Ruling Planet: The Moon
Element: Water
Primary Color: Orange

Traits: Sensitive, domestic. Tends to be emotional and easily influenced to tears. Has a fertile imagination. Very fond of the home. Patriotic. Accepts changes in surroundings. Prefers to live near the water. Often possesses musical talents and would make a very good psychic.

orange?! *frowns*
i need salad. desperately.

#sing.
sing sing.
sing.
sing sing...#

*squeals* "travis!"
gryswtr: no it's not.
"yes it is."
gryswtr: it's kill me tomorrow!

#tsk* *mutter* *grumble#

who the hell listens to travis anyway?!

there are drugs in my peanut butter sandwich.

dreams of the sea, the lake and other bodies of water.
dreams of boats, yachts and similar modes of transportation.

you get the drift.

slint. bjork (circa 1995).

it is interesting to see you strive towards a dream that really ends up as a lie. as a facade. it brings me great joy and amusement. and i applaud at you. unknowingly. but of course.

: i lived less than 10 mins away from the sea. running along the beach every morning before sunrise was the best. the white crystal sand tickled my feet and the waves shone like diamonds. the water was constantly lukewarm which made it perfect for just about anything. so bloody nice. :



listening to the sick lipstick. mmmhrm.

fifteen hours ago i dreamt about chinese food. i was made to eat green garlic prawns with egg noodles but i ended up looking at some fluffy buns instead. there were loads of other stuff but they were mostly pastries. i then got into a cab and someone was throwing their puppies from their balcony. the driver tried to avoid any accidents but one huge dog like that dog on sesame street landed on the windscreen and there was a huge mess. like yucks.

: was in this band with this dude who has butt ugly teeth and we played in a school on stage in a big hall. and i had to use these very strange looking pedals that was hooked to my keyboard. but it turned out quite okay really. then i was made to look after a real huge dog who was extremely shy and later on exchange mother's shoes for a pair a size smaller. :



inject these ears with the smiths and sonic youth.how wonderful to pick up something you haven't heard in a while and yet be able to mouth the lyrics to every song. i liketh.

: purchased a strange ticket to board the bus and the officer in duty checking the tickets was this guy called n.nickes. 'n' for nerves but everyone was to address him as nick nerves. whatever. then i was brought to a supposed traditional malay wedding and the bride and groom appeared on elephants. it was the groom's second marriage but his mother did not allow the bride to sit next to him. :



m&m's are good.

m&m's with peanuts.

: so this huge big fat whale of a woman (she was pale and with shoulder length jet black hair. she could be a goth. or she could just be an albino whale.) wanted to have sex with me. on a bed. before any form of penetration could happen, i managed to jump out of bed, dash out of the room, run up the stairs, cross to another room, run down the stairs, out of the living room, jump out the window, scale the walls and jump onto the ground outside. free from the whale. :

fuckin' hell.
i hate afternoon dreams.

no i have not been listening to music.
surprise surprise.


happy ramadhan to all muslims.

bwahahaha!

no, don't ask what i was doing on that site either.



musical menu as of this morning:

swing kids discography

clikatat ikatowi live

black dice 'cold hands' cdep

why do girls (in particular) need this constant reassurance to be in often contact with their girly friends? if you're friends, you're friends. it's unconditional. but apparently it doesn't work that way. somehow it all measures up.



so fucking sickening.

if it's gonna be like how it was one hundred and twenty minutes ago then i am definitely getting the fuck out of here. i know i keep saying it and i know i keep saying it's final but it will happen. when you least expect it to be. don't say i didn't warn you.

lowest common denominator in this case is six.
not three.

music equals hirameka hifi.

what i want for my birthday:

kinokuniya book vouchers

missing link record vouchers

special edition scrabble sets

luggage

what i need for my birthday:

rent money

money in general

i know it's still a long way to go.
but it's okay to be wishful. =)

do insomnia and vertigo make a good combo?
yes, i'll have fries with that. thanks.

: new shoes. new apartment. new beginnings. new life.:

: second cousin's family adopted too many cats. hot air balloon weddings. and the death of a family member. :

---

most things are beyond my control at this stage.
emphasis on "most".

in a matter of minutes, the nightmare will be over. perhaps a new one will evolve, who knows what the future holds.

not clairvoyants. not fortune tellers nor tarot readers can determine the exact answers.

i won't let history repeat again.

all i ask is for you to help me stand up straight.

boyfriend pillow!


wonder what sort of dreams it would induce? hahaha!

---

21 hours to go.
and counting.

last night

: (i) moved into a new apartment. at the topmost level. where the walls, flooring, furniture are white. and it had a super nice view. was expecting a dead body in the closet but none of the sort happened. (ii) supposed to watch a movie of the little prince. butmissed the first screening and instead got tickets of a sci-fi film 'stars of the galaxy'. tickets for the movies however were sold at a building across the cinema and when i was about to purchase snacks, we were caught in a group of youths busy taking photos of themselves. :

night of 270904 (bukit batok singapore)

: (1) dark and stormy night. in a boat with some friends. upon reaching the shore, friends walked away and i was left in the boat and apparently i had died. saw them smoking, drinking and frolicking outside a hotel and in a way i was glad i did not follow their footsteps. (2) aunty diana came to me and asked why i did not inform her about my older sister's marriage and i told her i would mail her the photos. after she walked away, i realized she was dead and i was at her wake a few hours ago.* (3) saw how the nickname 'suragani' came about. and while the place was not as exact, attire and gestures of protagonist matched the bill.* :

* lucid dreaming.
* it may just be dreams but i believe there's more to it.

karate - what is sleep?

for two hours before i sleep.

i make my problems come to me.

for five minutes before i wake.
i understand, i understand, i understand.

what is heavy, when you're weak.
when you're awake for days, what is sleep?

for 5 minutes before i wake.
i understand, i understand, i understand.

you all just stand by. you all just stand by.

you all just stand by.

---
and when the eyes approach slumberland,

there is no turning back.

ever.

coincidence part 2.

talking about death at 0100hrs.
reading about death at 0200hrs.
writing about death at 0300hrs.

going to the hospital to visit an aunt who almost died at 1100hrs.
received news of a family friend who died at 2000hrs.
received news of a friend's neighbour who committed suicide at 2100hrs.

one after another.

and it makes me wonder even more why i survived it 9 months ago.
this dream that we're living in.
when will i wake up from it.

here's a special thank you note for everyone who has made this nine months' existence tolerable. you know who you are. i do not have to mention any names.

addendum 0344hrs 22092004

fuck all of you.

i am spreading myself with iodine.

pinback - summer of abbadon. 2004.

: was staring at my reflection in the restroom of an airport and my hair was all static so i had to keep on applying water to it and after a while, it was ok. the restroom attendant was a strange old indian lady shorter than me and spoke to me in a language i could not recognize and she even made eye contact with me which didn't feel too well. :

: (i) at a girl's place in singapore. i do not know who nor why i was there. but the family was nice. sort of. (ii) witnessed a domestic helper switch keys around and sneak in to another person's flat without knowing. :

: forced to read a holy text. it was easy for me but reading it with no heart just seemed pointless. :

: of restaurants and jockeys and funny telepathic text messages and white cars in a parking lot. :

was never fond of white cars.

my 'punkrock' days of 2000 seem to be resurrecting. not fun, i tell you.

no fun at all.

: went to a cafe to meet up with friends and was introduced to newlyweds. a japanese lady married to an american caucasian man. sujikawa kagamoto was a country girl who went to the city and sold jeans and one thing led to another and now she's a yuppie. :

: was in a cable car in germany and took a photo of the new trains. it's kinda like the batman ride at goldcoast, australia. or is it the superman? i think it's the batman. where you go up 90 degrees vertically. anyways, the tracks folded up like origami once the trains passed by. pretty neat. :

team boo makes me smile.

it is a huge task to smile these days. and especially when you're standing at the edge of a cliff and there isn't much air to breathe and once you fall, you realize you don't know how to swim.

who else is doing the self-sufficiency thing?

travelling has become a chore...

i swear i am so tired.

a fragment of a conversation at my psuedo slumber party last night.

gryswtr: is that joey or justin?
gryswtr: i think it's joey.
gryswtr: no no it's justin.
gryswtr: i'm gonna cut my hair like justin.

thejealouspunk: why you wanna cut your hair like justin?

gryswtr: i wanna cut my hair like justin.

thejealouspunk: and joey?
thejealouspunk: joey fatone?

gryswtr: who the fuck is joey fatone?

thejealouspunk: you don't know joey fatone?

gryswtr: i'm talking about the locust.

thejealouspunk: oh. i thought you meant nsync.

---

addendum 23:44hrs

thejealouspunk: it's n. sync.

thejealouspunk: it's n with a star.

gryswtr: n*sync

---

*sniggers*

xox

trips. journeys. crossings. transition?

: me and dad walking along the banks of a river. and faced with many wild creatures along our way. dad then helped me to cross the river and walk along the side of the cliff. water was flowing at a rather steady speed and we had to maintain our pace so as not to fall in and drown. :

---

i am in desperate need of construction paper.

and chocolate and soda. grrr-ness.

someone explain to me the concept of coincidence.

the theme of the recent week is the 7th commandment. seven. a prime number.
a 'significant' number to certain groups of people.

"if the man is five and the devil is six, then God is ..." *

the moment i watched a film centered around the seventh commandment (AND more so started dwelling upon it), more analogies started springing up like mushrooms. be it film, books, writings, online blog/journal entries, music, television movies and so on and so forth.

is it just me or coincidence?
an omen most likely?
that the end of the world is nigh?

oh well...what else is new?

ps. not surprising that breach of the seventh commandment will most likely induce thoughts and even actions leading to the breaching of the sixth commandment. hrm. yes.

* the pixies - monkey gone to heaven

: running away for good. stopped at the beach. and we walked on the hot sand to a little hut. and the locust was playing. and there were lots of people. and i recorded their show via my recording walkman. i forgot to bring the mic you gave me so i used my earphones instead. mr pearson started the show with "are there any faggots in here?" which is not surprising. then you went off somewhere. i don't know where. and i sent you a text message asking if you took photos of the locust. you said you didn't but i could've sworn i saw you with a camera.:


scene changes.


: walking to a cafe with a mutual friend and he parked his car a long way off from where we were supposed to have our meal and we found ourselves in another parking lot and there were lots of stray kitties. mostly grey, brown and black. :



earcandy: minus the bear

what gives? i usually have my reservations for bands like minus the bear. but goodness, sometimes it is difficult to deny feelings that conflict with your personal ethics. what the heck. i like what i've heard. so ner.

: (i) had to assist in a kindergarten where they mostly sang chinese nursery rhymes. (ii) playing basketball and losing the edges of my teeth.* (iii) saw a shop that silkscreened grindcore band shirts and it was managed by a pregnant lady in a hijab. (iii) gave an old pair of sunglasses to a younger relative and it was far too big for her so i passed them on to my mother which was far too small. not sure what i did with them after that. (iv) trained a young boy to bite the edge of a stick i was carrying and he hung in mid air. stick between his teeth and all. :



* it's just a dream, right.

* only a dream.



listening to blue skied an' clear 2xcd (slowdive tribute).

: about being left on my own in an unknown place in the middle of the night and getting into an argument and then having to meet unnecessary people. about having to take care of someone else's baby. about meeting a nice girl and giving her a tube of chocolate candies instead of coffee. about hiding in a tent on top of a hill under a huge tree. about going to the doctor's and asking him for advice on my future and having to withdraw cash from a strange machine outside the clinic and it was outdoors and about to rain. about meeting *his* mom who was giving tuition and asking me how to deal with the students. about being underwater. about my mother who wanted to give me a huge necklace but i didn't want to wear it. about singing for some strange grindcore band. :

what a whole load of dreams within the span of five hours. meh.

congratulations to all the successful people out there. you may be happy.
but you know this sort of happiness won't last forever.
but what does last forever in the first place, hey?

music has been:

beastie boys - to the 5 boroughs (not good)
mew - a triumph for man (so so)
sodastream - enjoy ep + looks like a russian (still infectious)

nine months.

and still counting.

let's celebrate.

my death birth and resurrection.

a celebration of supposed living.

question once again this purpose of living.

living versus existence versus living versus alive.

it is a constant escalation of de-escalation.

rising up.

only to fall.

i cannot wait to fall.

: scavenger hunt of some sort. and polaroid photos of secondary family. :



sleep versus scrabble.

heil mathematics.

their ideologies + my philosophy + apathy = war.

war + apathy = no money.

no money + n(apathy) = sarcasm.

sarcasm + resentment + apathy = bitterness.

total: refugee.

* where apathy is a constant in all equations.

* where n is a varialble in all equations.



---



warning :

loading data...

79%...

results: insufficient memory.

system shut down.

i like dreaming about having conversations with lulu the cat. but not waking up to her sniffing my face. nor her singing to the door to be let out.


and apparently, she's more avid of the innernet than me! check her out on catster!



i hate polyphonic ringing tones.

sleeping to sonic youth's 'nyc ghosts and flowers' induced the following:

: end of the world type situation where most places have been destroyed, demolished...and people were running around like barbarians. i was separated from mother and found myself at a dwarf's house (thanks to tjp who kept talking about dwarves and garden gnomes before slumber!) . in exchange for free accommodation, i had to do the household chores. she made the tiniest biscuits and blue donuts ever. change the scene and i was in a forest with people from a previous school. can't remember if there were ewoks or not. maybe not. :

today's breakfast: milk tea and aesop rock. \m/

sleeping to mum(the icelandic band) induced the following:



: (1) nightmares of le fahker. (2) radiohead tribute bands. particular song i woke up to was lewis (from the my iron lung cdep). (3) mother's mother receiving a camera specially for underwater purposes complete with sound effects. "sound designs from konica". no prizes for guessing what colour the camera is. (4) standing in a library and watching a girl snitch enid blyton books into her coat pocket. :



this week's harvest = sweet potatoes.

yes, please come over and let's have a roast while sipping apple juice and listening to folk. not.

in un-chronological order.


: the library. was somehow sneaked into a university library (in melbourne, australia) and i was brought to look at a particular person's transactions. she had the funniest books in her list and it was interesting to look at her personal data. *for some reason, this does not feel like a dream but more like an astral projection experience.* while i was about to sneak out, i nearly walked into the librarian on duty so i had to crawl on the floor and whilst doing so, the floor suddenly turned to ice and there were people underneath the floor begging me to drag them out. :


: the temple. went to a strange hindu temple with younger sister and rainbow cat. two separate entrances. (for hindus and non-hindus) and it was more like an old colonial house than a temple but the steps were in spirals and it was almost like a labyrinth. a female priest sat on a throne-like chair at the topmost level of steps and we kneeled down to have a clearer look at her. she chanted at first before breaking into some form of screaming. we then left the temple via the hindu entrance and walked along an old railway station. saw lots of tourists who wore tshirts with jawi prints. :


:tick tock. was given 4 sets of watches. and behind the casing of each watch was a pair of cream-coloured shoes. they were all rather nice but 2 sizes too big for me. wanted to return them but if i did, i had to return the watches as well. :

: (a) took pictures of autumn leaves floating in the air whilst good friends danced in the background. (b) had to go through a muddly swamp to a weird hut where i had to choose several jobs and i opted for the domestic position. the ruler of the "country" was noddy and he was permanently asleep in the weird hut but apparently he knew what was going on. (c) met up wth a good friend and we had to get lipstick and mother was there too but the makeup purchase didn't happen. (d) at a mall and there were shoes on sale. saw a pair of black flats that fitted me perfectly and they were going at RM$19. (e) same mall but suddenly in a book fair but i was looking at soundtracks instead and bumped into a high school classmate. (f) supposedly at home and about to collapse into bed when father barged in and wanted to get hold of my diary but i didn't let him so all was well.

---

perhaps today will mark a difference.
and in a week, maybe, my life would rotate 360 or even 720 degrees.

walls of the blue room have been drained with music from 2001.

very rough period for those in the clown industry.

the make up. the masks.

the layers of costumes.

gestures. smiles.

the motherfuckin’ smiles.

level of paranoia increasing at an alarming rate by the second. least affected and most affected at the same time. in parallels. a conflict?
not at all.
nonchalance hails.
believe in me.
like i believe in you.
cesoir. cesoir.

: royal blue crystal at the end of a pin needle. pin needle is then injected through the two front teeth. crystal then dispersed into a million other crystals on the tongue and the feeling is euphoric. and the entire body is shaken. cold sweat. cold turkey. :



: - black and white photographs.

- demand for new apparel and footwear.

and an anarcho punk doctor. :

building my army.

this is my armour.

my own battle.

my own war.

i will never give up.

i will never give in.

recite. recite. recite.



peace be with you…

can i please be with you…Lord…

--->

trip 31.07.04

the most heartwrenching experience ever.

my chest stretched and twisted.
the holy ground.

my father.

and a million demons encircling me.

this is not happening. . .

<---

: choice of public transportation these days seems to be the bus.  :

: a former lecturer gave me a choice between an array of watches and a few barbie dolls. none of the watches were nice. so i took the "underwater" barbie. it looked kinda freaky and the doll's makeup was rather smudgy. later on, said lecturer told me to take any watch at all and i had a look at the selection of the cuff watches but felt they were getting too cliched. :

the cold morning calls for the vida blue.

: was in this place which was half perth half singapore (singapore in the late 80’s). i was in town in ‘perth’ and waiting for the rainbow cat. the town was like a small courtyard and it was winter and i was freezing but i wanted to wait  outside instead of sitting in the dodgy pubs. he finally arrived and we boarded a double decker bus and went back home to ‘singapore’. there was this chinese couple in the bus who offered us some squid ball but i wasn’t really into it so i said no. rainbow cat was hungry so he took the plastic from the couple and upon reaching home, he found a pack of cigarettes hidden between the food. :



:  back in ‘perth’ and wandering around a suburb with big sister. there were two things i was fascinated with. one was a clinic for animal counselling. the other  was kinda like a  museum that focused on prehistoric artefacts. i went to the clinic and they asked me if i could volunteer and i said ‘sure if i have the time’. but the lady then kept calling me and asking me to come in but it was always during a bad moment. :



: was at the mortuary looking at some dead body when suddenly the body resurrected and he started singing some oldies song which i couldn’t decipher. he then asked for a pair of headphones and a transistor radio. :



there were more to the dreams above but they were all fragmented and it is quite a task to write them in proper sentences. i could use phrases but i am not really in the mood and especially at this time of the day and waking up on the wrong side of the bed.



been listening to the carpenters.

in chronological order. uh huh.

: (i) stuck in a reality show and i was forced to change my bedroom curtains to green ones and that got me extremely frustrated. :

: (ii) agreed to meet some classmates from university in an unknown mall in malaysia. (definitely not in KL) i was dropped at the shop houses by the side of the mall and there were these strange looking kids from one of the private schools nearby and they were smoking and staring at me head to toe. pretended not to look and fastened my pace. met the kids at the fountain in the mall and supposed to take photos but i ran out of film.  

: (iii - a) late evening. just after sunset. went back to the old place at west coast drive, singapore. i stood by the sidewalk waiting for a cab. the roads were littered with pepsi cans and junk. like it was new year's day and there had been a huge celebration the night before and no one cleared it up. finally hailed a cab and the driver asked where i wanted to go and i said 'far east plaza' and apparently he was involved in some fight and he was unable to bring me to said destination but he could drop me off somewhere close and i said it was fine. :


: (iii - b) got off at ck tang and the entire place was deserted. (think  28 days later) next thing i knew i was transported to a suburban area and will smith (yeah, that fresh prince dude) was waiting for me. i said hello. he demanded a hug. i said "no, no i can't hug you. i'm married." and he said "awww noooo....we gotta hug..." and i was like "no no, don't hug me." but he hugged me anyway and reassured me everything was fine and brought me to an r&b party in i don't know whose house and tlc were there and some act called little perfect. :

then i was awakened by lulu the cat.

right. that was a whole lot of "funny" dreams. not funny-ha ha, by the way.

cough has receded.
heart hasn't.

ho-hum.

it is not tonsilitis.
but apparently my throat is bad and this is worse than having the flu.

: i dreamt of mr siva. : 
 i've never even met him let alone know how he looks like and it's his funeral today. 

: then i dreamt of being  at the sunday markets at shah alam. i bought cold barley drinks that resembled fresh coconut juice in beer glasses. : 

coconuts. coincidence #76304. velvetsoulsuicides talked about coconuts and this is after i woke up.

: then i dreamt of being stuck in a disney contest and participants had to go through a strange staircase where the floor level was higher when you went down. someone  opened a door and it led to a strange parking lot. my team was then instructed to look for ingredients to a secret brownie recipe. *lame*.  sometime before the contest, i bumped into a primary school classmate and i wanted to talk to her but she shrugged me off. :  

that suddenly got me thinking of her. 


old classmates. old friends.
what we have is the past. 
not the present and perhaps, not the future.
i think it was best she shrugged me off. 
i would've done the same.

"we go a long way back" does not mean anything to me.
quantity versus quality.
please pass me the latter.

cough cough. onomatopoeia.
dear throat, you hurt really bad.

but not as bad as my heart. (emo cheese!)

so not fair.
please let it not be tonsilitis again.
i want a new throat. 

---

happy birthday lulucat.
i love you lotsa! xxx.

: [i] was stuck in some cooking class and made to write a recipe for someone. and i was being timed for it. didn't manage to write everything down but the basics were there. and it was a recipe for mashed potatoes. *frowns*. [ii] a stack of letters dating from 1995 to present found in my luggage. quite intriguing. : 

needles in veins.
and salt at the sides of tongues.

screaming with transistor, transitor.

: reading about dali before slumber has induced dreams about my eyes popping and rolling upwards into my sockets...half blind and therefore...not being able to do any form of photography at all. :
 
i am not surprised if history repeats itself.
dream wise, that is.
but best if it didn't happen again.
 
music has been placebo.

: something about keeping a baby elephant at home. something about blue paintings on the floor. and something about dingy internet cafes in weird looking malls. :
 
apparently, i can't remember too well.
sleep isn't fixed.

: too many books for my miserable satchel. old cameras and pencils. went to several gift shops. one of them had a swatch sale. 20$ dicount for girl watches only (?). and apparently girl watches are for those with a slimmer straps. bought one for a cousin. at an aunt's house and it was rather riotous. another scene shows me in a back alley coffee shop and lulu the cat came along but later she tried running away but i managed to get hold of her and she sat with me and she asked for a glass of orange juice. (yes, she spoke in english. not in meowish.) :

it's only saturday?
snap your fingers a little faster please.

listen to: sodastream

eating teddy bear biscuits last induced the following:

: (i) stranded in a park. location unknown. and i came across a lake and it was mostly like a moss swamp but not really. for some reason i threw my cap on it and it didn't sink. and there were weird creatures in the lake. like a tiny blue platypus and i saw a grey micro racoon too. then when i was walking around the lake, my cap sank and the one that retrieved it for me was a swordfish. the other animals crowded around me when the cap was retrieved and there was a particular fish that had the body of an eel and the head of a snake. (ii) at an animal show and there were loads of cats and the one i was most attracted to was a talking purple cat with white stripes. but it was far too smart for its own good. :

there were more to the above dreams but they are way too ridiculous to be even typed out.

like a bottle smashed to the ground and the shattered pieces scattered all around. and nothing left but a whimper and a cry. save me. save me.

sleeping to skywave induced the following:

: (in un-chronological order) (i) met mother at an italian restaurant in some weird building. and they only served pasta. and the sauces were of a strange variety but the ambience was rather nice. (ii) was in a glass elevator going down down down and the ground floor was the sixth floor and i found myself in some marketplace with rows of stalls selling arab candy. (iii) photographs from the wall were taken down. and photographs were given to me taken by the rainbow cat. all of them showed roots of trees and some looked really complex. (iv) at a dinner party with relatives and saw a dead cousin but he was at age ten years old. (said cousin left this world at 17 - 1999.) :


the air! the air!

there's something in the air!
oh yes, recent trips to space have made me shivery and i saw myself laughing at the edge of my feet. that is not uncommon but sometimes it can be pretty fuckin' scary.

a public plea to all the mosquitoes.

i come to you in peace.
please stop biting me.
i have done you no harm.

reside and play in the garden instead.
where you will be food for the frogs.
your death will not just be natural.

but honourable too.
and not by man-made chemicals.

thank you.


yours sincerely,
nadia. xox.

"just like the weather. there can be forecasts and there can be plans.

but you may never know which direction the wind may go.

and when the earth might swallow you up as a whole."

- n.a. 21st century propaganda, 1st pressing.



: of abandoned houses (again) and slides and carebears. :



someone get me a lightsaber, please.

doesn't matter if it's green or red.

thank you.

the mix tape machine is back in action. although for now, format is currently on cd as not only is my turntable unwell but so is my recording tape deck. le sigh. it’s been a long time since i’ve done this. here’s the first one i made. a very typical nadia-esque mix and for those who have received cds from me should be familiar with most of the stuff on here.



wanna play?



01. beastie boys – futurama theme

02. bs2000 – better better

03. the vapors – turning japanese

04. the rondelles – he’s outta sight

05. the advantage – goonies, warehouse

06. xbxrx – go ape

07. the spotlight syndicate – ash memory

08. erase errata – tongue tied

09. deerhoof – dog on the sidewalk

10. the vss – lunar weight

11. arab on radar – rubber robot

12. the festival of dead deer – monotones

13. electrelane – gabriel

14. i am spoonbender – where do words go

15. the cache – air

16. man or astroman? – television man

17. moving units – x and y

18. new order – round and round

19. skanfrom – electronique supermarket

20. fischerspooner – the 15th

21. manitoba – crayon

22. solex – the cutter

23. mc solaar – qui seme le vent recolte le tempo

24. the sick lipstick – she’s got a broken femur

25. grifters – just passing out



so you want one? send me an email or sign the guestbook. it would be neat if you could do me one too. drown my eardrums please.

for we fix our eyes on what is seen than what is unseen...



it was like a revelation. i am bursting with furious joy and bewilderment. emitting all forms of energy and sparkles and shines. discarding old skin. shredding all of them off. it is never too late. my vision has not been blinded just yet. : it was a sign when i saw myself crossing to the laundromat in the dim light. cloudy it was and a storm was stirring but determined to remove the stains. and i walked on. and destination was found. : there may have been too many scars but they have been sutured. yes, they may still hurt from time to time and yes, cockroach-crawling back could seem just like an option. but not "the" option.



...but what is seen is ephemeral and what is unseen is eternal.



the song : grifters - just passing out

my heart is burning like a marshmallow



twist. turn. slit. slither.

"your room is so..."

what?

"relaxing."

"it's like in the asylum."

i know.



ticking faster than ever. twice the speed than yesterday. this is not happening. this is for real. arrange. derange. file. order. shelf. order. the pen forever mightier than the sword. no i shall not blame technology for my semi-paralysis. no i shall not blame anyone. not anywhats anywhens anyhows anywhys. shiver shudder stammer stutter. reverse. rewind.



"why are you shivering?"

i'm not.

"yes you are. look at your fingers.

*cue for protagonist to scowl*

"stop talking to yourself!"



remind me what it is i like about you.

there is a difference between pretending and adapting. and no matter how you perceive it and/or what your preconceptions are, the underlying factor is, you do not understand *it as an absolute.


*it - a variable. it can also be a constant depending on the equation but it is not an irreversible action.

the apple of no one's eye is "ill" and it is not even funny anymore. static kills. corrupt. decay. rot. i lost even more weight without having to skip meals, without turning vegan and without the consumption of illegal substances (not that i have done any, by the way.) *curses!*

---

: so there was this gypsy and she showed me her chest and from the right breast sprouted 3 nipples like they were mushrooms. :

uhm yeah.

celebrate celebrate.

: back to the old house. it was in shambles and about to collapse. oh messy life. and i was at the old institution and i saw the witch and i ran away. through the science faculty. back alleys. and i passed by the mortuary. and there were these death beds. and at the sideboards were carvings of the domes of mosques. but the beds were empty. and the security guard was busy watching television and he didn't see me walk by. at the main road and into a taxi. and he brought me to the radio station. and apparently he was some celebrity dj in disguise of a taxi driver. he gave me a pink bag too. that was nice. amidst all the absurdity. :

night of the 7th at the old house
: had a fang on the right hand side and it kept growing and hurting my tongue and i broke it off with a finger so that all my teeth would be aligned. :

night of the 8th at the new house
: was on a merry go round in a huge toy store with mother. she kept asking me to take a photo of her but it just could not work out. :

---

trip 09.06.04 23:00hrs the blue room istana perdana
--->
it's been a while and from the way things are turning out at the moment, it could be a daily habit. and i don't really care anymore. there are too many shadows and the floor is colder. i wish i had a shovel.
<--- music is only played to prove my existence to them.

p.s. i moved. contact me for my the new mailing address if you are interested.

: was on the set for grease 4. john travolta aged 40 and the era is mid eighties and the entire set was barbie doll pink. it's fuckin gross i tell you. :

chapter reads a new page...

eternal gratitude to all who called, who sent me text messages on the mobile phone, who sent packages via snail mail - via email, who terrorised the guestbook and through the various online communities. your thoughts are much appreciated and i could never thank you enough. bless you all.

xxx

metaphors within metaphors. my dreams as of late. the last i can remember was opening a door to raindrops and walking across to another door. significant numbers six and eight.

---

miss electronic contact. should you ever stumble upon this, (which i know you will and perhaps you already have), here is a sincere thank you for every adventure we've shared and will share and i hope you're enjoying kwaidan as i write this. real shame about the gorey books. next time maybe. meet me at the waterfront after the social.

here's the gashleycrumb tinies for everyone.
live.

sound - the friction between my middle fingers and the keys on acer.

you have been warned.

gryswtr is poisonous! induce vomitting if ingested.

N POISON

username:

thanks urka! xox!

morals?



or ethics?



sounds from : stephan mathieu. ekkehard ehlers.

birthday schmirthday

received a greeting today courtesy of JobsDB.com.
how wonderful. even if they are a week too early.
although that does not beat the phonecall from miss electronic contact who called me up on the first of april and was about to drive over with cake. i thought she was joking. she thought was i was joking when i denied. national day of confusion at it's finest!

*welcome to nowhere. welcome to yourself.*

--->

MENTAL ADVISORY WARNING.
this entry will fuck with your heads.
(or maybe not.)

as i ironed my left foot today, a strong overwhelming sensation came over me. it wasn’t the heat from the steel getting in contact with my skin but more so of why i wanted to do it so badly in the first place. naturally, like any “normal” person with all five senses in function, i screamed my fucking lungs out when it happened. the first brown layer peeled off and i stared at the little white area visible to me. i poked into it and brought my finger to my mouth. it tasted like.....me. it tasted like nothing.
2003-05-23 19:48:00

<---

history repeats itself they say.

a vampire bit my left ankle. again.
the hickey is still there.
and trust me, it is so not sexy at all.

---

: was going home late at night. and trying to send mother a text message but the network was down. boarded the bus. it was freezing. and it started to rain really heavily. next morning, i am hanging out downstairs at one of the shops. i then go to a newstand across the street. and pick out the papers with the least creases on it. scene changes to the back kitchen and i am sandwiched between mother and big sister. and i had received a box full of live frogs in it. (it's kinda like that ali setan movie but i didn't get it on my birthday.) :

---

it is a good thing lulu the cat does not go about hunting for frogs.
to all the lizards out there, i apologize if lulu has been depriving you of your tails. i sincerely regret the fear and inconvenience caused to you and your future descendents.

music today has been radiohead's 'my iron lung' cdep, american football s/t cd. and a tape of a shift i did for student radio many many moons ago.

like a fish on a hook and out of water, an angel woke me up and said i was gasping for air. i am sneezing less now but that does not mean i am as right as rain. far from it actually.

---

: (i) big sister was trying to convey a message but the air was cloudy and she was only but a dim shadow. (ii) stuck in a room full of corporate whores. most of them aged above fifty and it was almost hilarious to see their disgusted faces after the obligatory -kiss on the right cheek kiss on the left cheek routine- when the term death is mentioned. (iii) at a north indian restaurant with dad. and the other patronizers were from bengalore and we saw no coloured turbans. only black and white. :

---

for someone who actually looks after her diet and health and general well being, falling ill is perhaps (logically) a test of faith and principles and belief.

sneezing like a mad bastard. not exciting for a sunday afternoon.
but i'll cope.

---

: record dreams. fuckin' record dreams. received a few packages. one from england and inside were a few lps and 10"s. and one of the 10"s was a test press of orchid's recordings. picture disk. there were supposed to be 32 copies. clear orange vinyl. very nice. :

: the fucker appeared again and offered to chaffeur me and younger sister around. since we haven't got our own transport we gave in but still were none too happy. he also had his dirty slippers in the house and i kicked it out. (fucker, i demand you stay away from my dreams!) :

: found myself in the vicinity of petaling jaya and was dropped off at a kfc outlet. it looked really dark and dodgy and there were some kids studying in there. saw how they prepared the chicken and it freaked me out. change of scene. i was at an apartment visiting a friend and later decided to see another friend. he had some kind of speech impediment and it was annoying the fuck out of me so i left. went to the parking lot and saw the first friend i visited waiting for me. she was looking at the beach ahead and it was beautiful. felt like as if we were in san diego. her car was really neat and shaped like a bullet and i think it was a honda but i can't remember. :

: was at a chinese temple with the family. amazing architecture and the neatest marble flooring i could ever imagine. :

---

hrm. that's a whole load of dreams.
especially for an insomniac.

mp3 stuff: deerhoof, electrelane. very boring to listen via the computer. would love to revisit my old records but my turntable is fucked at the moment. also, my aclys cd is missing and i am very very upset like you wouldn't believe it.

what is up with the new layout for blogger? looks like a tutorial for a twelve year old. or moreso an eight year old. since twelve year olds these days are really smart (literally and metaphorically) even if they don't read as much as the twelve year olds of the previous century. (not that reading will necessarily make one smart but...) back to the point. i do not like the new layout for blogger. while change is inevitable, this was uncalled for. eyesore alert!

---

: being chased by evil sprits (influenced by 'spirited away' perhaps?) and was stuck in a gameroom. old school video game machines but there was no one inside but sleazy middle aged chinese gangsters with cigarettes tight between their lips. went into the restroom and there was a girl probably aged nine who was able to divert the water flow from a tap adjacent to her to my direction but i managed to avoid it. suddenly found myself stuck in my neighbourhood looking at weird cakes. :

: was bickering with the c kidz about martin robinson. how he was stuck in spain and not france. and when they showed me a recent photo it was of martin short the actor. quite funny. :

---

raar.
fuck you sasser.
fuck you thrice as hard.

invasion of the smashing pumpkins (circa 'pisces iscariot') and bettie serveert doing their rendition of the carpenters' 'for all we know'. talk about emo, yo. oh and this morning i watched the video (yes, vhs my darlings) of swing kids + antioch arrow + clikatat ikatowi + honeywell etc for the gazillionth time. this has inspired me to get a haircut in the very near future. uh huh.

funeral empire

ok. exactly a month now.
and i am very excited.



while even numbered years have traditionally been a bad omen, i am optimistic about 2004.
and you know what the chinese say about the number four.
uh huh. *nods in ethusiasm*

"it's the end of the world as we know it. and i feel fine."



all heil exploding dog.

a reminder to all
there will be no warning note whatsoever.
but there will be a letter of appreciation.

"For the final consummation and for me to feel less lonely, my last wish was that there should be a crowd of spectators at my execution and that they should greet me with cries of hatred." - the outsider by albert camus.

soundtrack of the day : trans am, new order, isotope 217.
ordered chronologically.

sleep these days are sporadic.
the venues often rotate.
and a bed can be absolutely anything.

dreams have been:
visuals of my never ending paranoia.
altered cut up versions of real life scenes.
sequences. sentiments. semantics.
semiotics.

i say - "fuck semiotics."

wednesday's audio prescription: japancakes, ladytron, june of 44.

trip 27.04.04 23:00hrs
--->
baligamelan.
the perfect sound that was drummed inside and all surround.
i was shivering. and giggling. and shivering. again.
very icy this time. igloos and needles and static.

quotes from tjp++ :
"...ramayana raver sial..."
"...i hate the after effects...when everything sinks back into place..."

i don't hate the after effects.
they always (so far) make me "happy".
<---

in four months, it would have been four years and eight days.
four years can mean nothing.
four years can be an entire lifetime.

still...
one foot on the white ship.
the other on the broken wooden boat.
...

choose nadia.
choose.

---

on a separate note, kill bill vol.2 was not entertaining in the least.
not that vol.1 was any better.
go watch some karate kid or bambi.

injected with the residents.

:  someone adopted a new cat and i was none too happy. a trip to melbourne which didn't feel like melbourne at all. and i nicked lots of boring postcards. mostly with pictures of penguins. took the same train as paul mccartney. but the train looked more like the titanic. hung out with the muppets (which was really freaky). and learning ventriloquism skills from the two grumpy old men. :

rem rocks.

: let me slash your wrists he said. levez vos skinny fists comme antennas to heaven! walking in circles. reciting numbers numbers numbers. and then bang!:

heart pounds.
the throat screams for moisture.

this is almost turning into a habit.
now return to hibernation.

---

happy earth day earthizens!
and many happy returns of the day to nadra casha.
i wish i was there. *schmoo face and whines*
your traditional present.



enjoy! =)

xxx

---

venue: ward 269, dsh.

night of 19.04.04
: (I) a traditional malay wedding taking place in a kampung house. the location is seremban. (not too sure and cannot remember.) the wedding was kinda weird. there were lots of ‘funny’ rituals and instead of the groom waiting for the bride, there was a picture of the groom in a photoframe instead.

: (II) father talking to mother about finances and he looked rather grim too. our house had a long corridor and the ceiling lights were glaring brightly. it took me a while to find the switches and i realized the main switch was right under my nose and that abled me to switch the lights off. :

---

listening to sense field’s ‘one on the other side’ on repeat mode.
some would like to think it is a x’tian song but it’s not.
sounds more satanic come to think of it. (metaphorically speaking. but of course.)

***

100 degrees fahrenheit last weekend.
and quincy for this one.
thanks very much, health.

kirk o' bain. you were so fuckin' wrong.
misery fuckin' hates company.

***

trip 13.04.04 23:00hrs the waterfront
--->
the location cannot get anymore perfect. a definite tie with the motorway. while both venues are extreme opposites of each other, there is that exact feeling of being at ease and completely free from everything. two worlds merging into each other. surrealism serenity. we heard them singing and this was followed by conversations of old school animations and confectionery. grins and giggles.
"...wipe that smirk of your face child..."
<---

trip 13.04.04 1700hours or so
--->
unlike sunday where it was floating. this was a giant sized needle shooting up from my gut and stabbing my heart. and my neck fell back...the tradition of feeling my tongue roll backwards. and this time the skin from my palm peeling......and my throat throbbing...fucking ace. to top it off, 'psychic hearts' was playing in the background and it was drizzling outside. nice.
<---

are you living or are you existing?
are you existing or are you living?
are you breathing just because it was given to you?
or are you breathing because you want to?
are you even grateful? or do you even fucking care at all?

the world is an ugly place to live in.
the world is a mother fucking ugly place to exist in.

i mean it this time.
FUCK ALL OF YOU!!!
armageddon now.

trip 11.04.04 20:00hrs jam asia
--->
hit after hit after hit while we were at the far end. heavy breezes and light showers in the background. clustered grey clouds. flashing lights from the fire station. chuck taylors of various colours and sizes sweeping past us. chatters murmurs laughter. these days there are no illusions. not even sounds. just a feeling of floating through time and space and feeling really good.
<---

last night:
: 01. lulu the cat getting stuck in a bookshelf.
02. my aunt flipping through my empty magnetic phonebook. :

once i heard the sounds of churh organs from my room while i slept outside.
it was not a dream. and there was nobody in my room either.

go figure.

creep dancing to the smiths.

last last night
: part (a)- stuck in a forest and it was raining. and in my hands was a nest with two baby birds. cradling the nest very carefully i walked a distance to find a suitable spot for the baby birds so they would be safe. and once i did, they died.
part (b) – crossing the street from one building to the next with mother. raining really heavily. and we both had umbrellas. hers was alright. but the steels from my umbrella kept unfolding and mother tried to fix it back but it refused to function. :

last night
: breaking lots of vinyl records. :
---> simple interepretation. i was pissed off.

---
there is a hot iron plate nailed to my chest and i feel like cracking my skull open. shivering shivering shivering. these conditions are annoying and at the same time very upsetting. i hope i will be okay later so i could rock the *blue cap*.

listening to index for potential suicide ‘the newest youth rebellion’ cd.
- i still think they are mediocre and the locust (circa s/t7” and s/t lp) are infinitely better.

what is good about being a size five when all the shoes of your choice available are in sevens above. and what is good about being ill during the weekend when friends from across the sea are over. and what is good about dreaming of white bugs and unwanted advice?

aaargh......piss off.

music equals ridiculous no wave.

: (I) ordered a hot cup of tea but instead an ice cold glass of soymilk turned up. (something strange in that scene and felt like my lungs were inflamed.) bumped into an acquaintance who was wearing a white shirt and his face was rather pale. didn't look like a ghost though but it was kinda freaky. (II) new open air library smacked in the middle of orchard road. framed black and white pictures on the shelves and the librarian on duty gave me the creeps. (III) skipped the library to a streetcorner where there were four different types of phonebooths. chose the one i was familiar with and tried calling the sayang but somehow the number co-ordination didn't seem to come out right. :

note to self:
persevere and earn as much as possible so you can have a new head, mind and home.

: about trespassing into this middle aged chinese woman's house.
and she had many weird ornaments.
and she didn't mind me being there either.
and her husband was kinda like that get smart dude with his phone in his shoe or summink. :

music = blur 'the best of' dvd.

yay. i adopted a fetus. looks a lil' screamo doesn't it not. hah!
get yours today! whilst stocks last!
le fetus mart

music : femme fatale 'fire baptism' lp.

the documentation process continues and the same plethora of content is resurrected. what are the possible explanations or logical reasons i wonder. perhaps there aren’t any. and perhaps there are. and i suppose i do not deserve to be told to be informed to be acknowledged.

---

[part one] to purchase a pair of adidas trainers named the michael jordan. white with very fine red and blue vertical stripes at the sides. they did not have my size. and they decided to shut the store.
[part three] to purchase a pair of white chucks. there were two types. one was off white and the other was pure white with black lines at the soles. was keen on the latter pair but found out that there were funny looking strings attached to them. opted for the former pair only to return home with black leather chucks in the box.

[part two] in the middle of the forest there was a wooden hut. and in the hut were youths of varied ethnic backgrounds. they came out from the hut and started dancing in the forest like how ravers do. but there weren’t any music to be heard at all. i stood behind a tree watching them float. watching them twirl around in complete gaiety. a very old dark green beetle drove up and on the car plate, the words ‘agatha christie was right’ scratched very deeply. a middle aged caucasian lady resembling janis joplin stepped out. who then proceeded to join the entranced community.

---

lights flicker on and off.
lights in the mind switching off.

memory works in spirals they say.
it all comes back after seventeen hours.

: in the backseat of a car with big sis. who was driving i do not know. it was a strange route like we were going in circles but only halfway to our right. (i am not sure if i am describing it alright enough for anyone to visualise this but...) it's like going in a semicircle and once at the end it goes back again. anyways...route goes through a middle of a forest...and this was during the day. and destination was a little house / grocery store situated somewhere in the forest. and it was run by an old chinese couple. me and big sis look around and i was drawn to the back of the shop where they had an assortment of accessories made out of jade on display. half of them were in green and the other in purple. (is there such a thing as purple jade? i am ignorant when it comes to matters like these.) stuff in purple were mainly pendants and they were mostly shaped like brinjals. (go figure. maybe my logic says that purple = brinjal. vice versa.) old chinese woman says to take the purple but i set my eyes on a green bangle (or pendant). it was moulded like the jade pendant you gave me. but slightly bigger. old chinese lady said i made a good choice. :

the other half of my dream was about attending a music quiz. and i didn't have much time to study for it. cannot recall what happened in the end. and it is not that important really. plethora of images that do not hold *that* much significance. well, to me, anyways.

theme of last night dream: in circles.
and if you are a musical encyclopedia like myself, instantly 'in circles' would remind you of a particular musical outfit who inspired lots that claimed to achieve what they aimed for but in actuality did not.

music this evening has been the bangles.

: met picollus on thursday night. around half past midnite. two nights later i went for swimming lessons in the middle of the ocean and was required to bend my body at a ninety degree angle whilst floating. :

---

welcome note to strangers :
please belive all the text you are currently consuming in entirety because it is a complete representation of myself.

go to hell.

celebrate my sardonic wit.

: new apartment is at #08-06. the one's painted blue and white. went for some outward bound thing and i had to guess all the theological questions. not easy but i got through. there was a very graphic scene which i do not intend to publish on the werwerwer. argument about radio djs. argument with a dj. stupid dj. ordered hainanese chicken rice from a very dodgy stall. slashed my left arm 5 times diagonally and squeezed the blood out into a mug. went to a gig and only 3 bands played. elisebelle tears, this body broken and some unknown band that wore mexican clothes. bandlist is of descending order by the way. after the gig, i raised funds so i could set up my own business in organizing funerals for rockstars. it was kinda scary really. not very enjoyable. more dreams but i cannot remember, obviously. :

oh and before i go.
being suicidal is one thing.
being prepared for death is another.

please get that registered in your fucking thick skull.

cereal of the moment

---

*this could almost turn into a food blog.
emphasis on the word 'almost'.

: witnessing landslides. broken chalet homes and people drowning in the sand. the city in singapore crowded as ever which is not unusual but at the same time the architecture was kinda strange and i could "perform" graffiti just by typing a text message on the trusted mobile phone. walking in the underpass and meeting people from 'the scene'. running away from 'the scene' and had to scale walls and steep steps and things became topsy turvy. almost. :

was given an interpretation of recent dreams of home buying and funeral organizing.
ask for more details if you are ever interested.

music includes kaito and daydream nation.

drink of the moment.

---

: a texas is the reason split lp with 2 other bands i cannot remember. cover of the lp was like one of the albums of the smiths. on a separate occasion, i organized my funeral. i had a nice concrete coffin. :

music = solex, the 101, ladytron and insta.

please. enough of airports and airplanes and shoes.
this is getting too boring to the point of frustration.
i do not need this. stop rubbing it in.
i want a new sandman. or none at all.
okay? good. register.

---

"dont look in the mirror...
don't like what i see staring back at me..."

music : the sounds of 1992
(reference to the year though i think 'the sounds of 1992' would make a good band name! nah, maybe not.)

trip of 24.01.04/25.01.04
location shall not be disclosed.
--->
dancing with hands in the air in the middle of the road.
"ter-ne-nung...ter-ne-nung...ter-ne-nung..."
was what she heard. was what they said.
<---

it was nice. and happy.
it is good to smile.
for it has been rather empty as of late.

and things are not as easy as they seem.

: and my life goes reverse. the colours still the same. faces and numbers. not changing. ever so static. :
i do not miss them. never had i any intention to turn back time. no i do not.

constant state of distraction and contemplation.
not very healthy but i try.

dancing to electroclash-synthpop/rock.

i have had enough of buses and trains and other modes of transportation appearing in my subconscious-life. and so i shall not narrate them. instead, here is a picture that has made my week. a muppet saetia avatar.


*credits to whoever did this. (from the cumwhack forum)

what could be better than screamo and sesame street combined?
"can you tell me how to get...how to get to screamo street....raaaaaaaaaaa!!!"

afraid of stairs is nice jangly pop. i like.

: was sent to australia for a strange exchange programme. upon arrival at the airport, the porters were malaysian and rather friendly for my liking and the state was under military rule which favoured the american system. (quite odd). a lecturer sent me on an errand to buy chewing gum. the three flavours available were lemon mint, strawberry and white crysanthemum. he was quite surprised they were under wrigley's. anyways, long queue at the pharmacy where i purchased said gum and while waiting i came across a can of miss e. and they were selling it for AU$6.06. (i reckon the number is related to my thoughts of kid 606 before slumber). while walking back, the streets reminisced of ancient china and there were lots of stalls where people could alter their clothes and the workers were using old school sewing machines.

next.

at mother's-mother's house. the room she let me sleep in had a very very old sewing machine with rust pedals but she told the maid to take it away and replace it with a bare desk instead. :

trip of 13.01.2004 - 2100hrs
klia express. towards the airport.
--->
the lights from the traffic looked stretched and everything was swaying.
and i heard the prayer call.
followed by laughter not long later.
<---

please elevate your mentality.

in no particular order
: (i) had to undergo an operation where my ribs had to be removed. older sister was going through a surgery as well but i did not have time to visit her.

(ii - 01.) was at jalan maarof, bangsar - kuala lumpur with mother. went to visit mother's friend who was a bit depressed but her four children were okay. (ii - 02.) met up with four dudes all dressed in black tshirts and trackers. we were making a short film. the content i cannot remember. (ii - 03.) was playing with my smurfette figurine and my two sisters invited me for a walk and we went to a toymaker's house. there were lots of fancy sewing machines. silver and gold they were. and loads of customised toys and hand puppets and hand made cards with retro pictures. at the corner of the ceiling, i spotted a tiny shelf that held a very modern laptop and a spy camera. the toymaker was a cool chinese dude and he reminded me of the dude in 'babes in toyland'. (that film with keanu reeves and a very young drew barrymore and mr miyagi-karate kid as the toymaker). (iii - 04.) big sister wanted to hook up with an old friend from grade school but apparently she passed away the night before. tragic.

(iii) trying to take pictures of my spiderman figurine with little sister's digital camera but it didn't work out.

(iv) saw a mama cat with her four kitties. very very cute. :

trip of 12.01.2004 - 2200hrs
was listening to add n to x
--->
stretched elastic hands grew out of my postcards from the postcard door and they were about to embrace me. little sister was doing a funny dance and so was i. and lulu looked at me rather strangely.
<---

i feel giddy.
shall listen to judy and mary now.

: a friend of a friend was gonna get married to prince william. the prince then said the reason he was marrying her was to inherit all her riches and be in control of the oil trade. hrm. was gonna attend another wedding but could not find anything to wear except a long grey dress with white round collars but it looked too grade school but i didn't really have much choice. weddings and bickers. not a surprise to be honest. :

music has been sassy fuzzy girl pop!
hurrah!

: was caught throwing away my cigarette butt by dad. he said there was no need to hide. and he took out his pack of sampoerna and lit up a stick and we both inhaled together. (how i wish that would actually happen in the real life!) met up with a college friend (from perth) and the hotel he was staying at resembled a building that appeared in another dream. next scene, i was purchasing the holy e-can at the pharmacy and the pharmacist asked me why was there a sudden need for the 'drug'. i met my younger cousin at the hawker centre  :

music has been interpol and the smart e's (thanx one-ster!).

trip 03.01.2004
at the 'secret place' in singapore
--->
01. lights. coloured dots. and there was laughter from the right hand side. stretched out laughter. he heard it too on his trip. now that was pretty fuckin' freaky and scary. as we both did it on separate occasions.
02. more coloured dots. flashing purple and shadows. and i saw the clouds being pulled backwards. and there was an outline of a man's face between the trees on the left hand side.
03. sirens. ambulance siren on the right. police car siren on the left. let's go synchronous. and at the back of my head, my voice repeatedly mumbled 'someone's gonna die. someone's gonna die. someone's gonna die.' and minutes later after the trip, an ambulance car rode by. i told him that if a police car went by i would fuckin' scream. but it didn't happen and my lungs were saved. sort of.
<--- some dreams

: (i) during the ten minute power nap on monday morning. 05.01.04. the devil said to me, "i am walking behind you. i am walking beside you. i am walking with you. and now * i am going right through you..." and i saw him and he was a crimson red bat with fangs and sharp jagged wings.
(ii) and on the night of 05.01.04 - i went over to a-ha's apartment. ya know, a-ha? take on me? take me on? yeah well, i was supposed to cook pasta for them but apparently there was nothing in the kitchen except potatoes and apparently morten harket (or however you spell his name) and his girlfriend eats boiled potatoes every day cos morten can't cook. likesay what? and i wasn't in the mood to go to the supermarket.
(iii) nap on tuesday afternoon 06.01.04. nelly and fifty cent were bickering and this happened while i was flicking through a glossy coloured magazine and it was like watching an animation right before my eyes. :