"it's the end of the world as we know it. and i feel fine."



all heil exploding dog.

a reminder to all
there will be no warning note whatsoever.
but there will be a letter of appreciation.

"For the final consummation and for me to feel less lonely, my last wish was that there should be a crowd of spectators at my execution and that they should greet me with cries of hatred." - the outsider by albert camus.

soundtrack of the day : trans am, new order, isotope 217.
ordered chronologically.

sleep these days are sporadic.
the venues often rotate.
and a bed can be absolutely anything.

dreams have been:
visuals of my never ending paranoia.
altered cut up versions of real life scenes.
sequences. sentiments. semantics.
semiotics.

i say - "fuck semiotics."

wednesday's audio prescription: japancakes, ladytron, june of 44.

trip 27.04.04 23:00hrs
--->
baligamelan.
the perfect sound that was drummed inside and all surround.
i was shivering. and giggling. and shivering. again.
very icy this time. igloos and needles and static.

quotes from tjp++ :
"...ramayana raver sial..."
"...i hate the after effects...when everything sinks back into place..."

i don't hate the after effects.
they always (so far) make me "happy".
<---

in four months, it would have been four years and eight days.
four years can mean nothing.
four years can be an entire lifetime.

still...
one foot on the white ship.
the other on the broken wooden boat.
...

choose nadia.
choose.

---

on a separate note, kill bill vol.2 was not entertaining in the least.
not that vol.1 was any better.
go watch some karate kid or bambi.

injected with the residents.

:  someone adopted a new cat and i was none too happy. a trip to melbourne which didn't feel like melbourne at all. and i nicked lots of boring postcards. mostly with pictures of penguins. took the same train as paul mccartney. but the train looked more like the titanic. hung out with the muppets (which was really freaky). and learning ventriloquism skills from the two grumpy old men. :

rem rocks.

: let me slash your wrists he said. levez vos skinny fists comme antennas to heaven! walking in circles. reciting numbers numbers numbers. and then bang!:

heart pounds.
the throat screams for moisture.

this is almost turning into a habit.
now return to hibernation.

---

happy earth day earthizens!
and many happy returns of the day to nadra casha.
i wish i was there. *schmoo face and whines*
your traditional present.



enjoy! =)

xxx

---

venue: ward 269, dsh.

night of 19.04.04
: (I) a traditional malay wedding taking place in a kampung house. the location is seremban. (not too sure and cannot remember.) the wedding was kinda weird. there were lots of ‘funny’ rituals and instead of the groom waiting for the bride, there was a picture of the groom in a photoframe instead.

: (II) father talking to mother about finances and he looked rather grim too. our house had a long corridor and the ceiling lights were glaring brightly. it took me a while to find the switches and i realized the main switch was right under my nose and that abled me to switch the lights off. :

---

listening to sense field’s ‘one on the other side’ on repeat mode.
some would like to think it is a x’tian song but it’s not.
sounds more satanic come to think of it. (metaphorically speaking. but of course.)

***

100 degrees fahrenheit last weekend.
and quincy for this one.
thanks very much, health.

kirk o' bain. you were so fuckin' wrong.
misery fuckin' hates company.

***

trip 13.04.04 23:00hrs the waterfront
--->
the location cannot get anymore perfect. a definite tie with the motorway. while both venues are extreme opposites of each other, there is that exact feeling of being at ease and completely free from everything. two worlds merging into each other. surrealism serenity. we heard them singing and this was followed by conversations of old school animations and confectionery. grins and giggles.
"...wipe that smirk of your face child..."
<---

trip 13.04.04 1700hours or so
--->
unlike sunday where it was floating. this was a giant sized needle shooting up from my gut and stabbing my heart. and my neck fell back...the tradition of feeling my tongue roll backwards. and this time the skin from my palm peeling......and my throat throbbing...fucking ace. to top it off, 'psychic hearts' was playing in the background and it was drizzling outside. nice.
<---

are you living or are you existing?
are you existing or are you living?
are you breathing just because it was given to you?
or are you breathing because you want to?
are you even grateful? or do you even fucking care at all?

the world is an ugly place to live in.
the world is a mother fucking ugly place to exist in.

i mean it this time.
FUCK ALL OF YOU!!!
armageddon now.

trip 11.04.04 20:00hrs jam asia
--->
hit after hit after hit while we were at the far end. heavy breezes and light showers in the background. clustered grey clouds. flashing lights from the fire station. chuck taylors of various colours and sizes sweeping past us. chatters murmurs laughter. these days there are no illusions. not even sounds. just a feeling of floating through time and space and feeling really good.
<---

last night:
: 01. lulu the cat getting stuck in a bookshelf.
02. my aunt flipping through my empty magnetic phonebook. :

once i heard the sounds of churh organs from my room while i slept outside.
it was not a dream. and there was nobody in my room either.

go figure.

creep dancing to the smiths.

last last night
: part (a)- stuck in a forest and it was raining. and in my hands was a nest with two baby birds. cradling the nest very carefully i walked a distance to find a suitable spot for the baby birds so they would be safe. and once i did, they died.
part (b) – crossing the street from one building to the next with mother. raining really heavily. and we both had umbrellas. hers was alright. but the steels from my umbrella kept unfolding and mother tried to fix it back but it refused to function. :

last night
: breaking lots of vinyl records. :
---> simple interepretation. i was pissed off.

---
there is a hot iron plate nailed to my chest and i feel like cracking my skull open. shivering shivering shivering. these conditions are annoying and at the same time very upsetting. i hope i will be okay later so i could rock the *blue cap*.

listening to index for potential suicide ‘the newest youth rebellion’ cd.
- i still think they are mediocre and the locust (circa s/t7” and s/t lp) are infinitely better.

what is good about being a size five when all the shoes of your choice available are in sevens above. and what is good about being ill during the weekend when friends from across the sea are over. and what is good about dreaming of white bugs and unwanted advice?

aaargh......piss off.

music equals ridiculous no wave.

: (I) ordered a hot cup of tea but instead an ice cold glass of soymilk turned up. (something strange in that scene and felt like my lungs were inflamed.) bumped into an acquaintance who was wearing a white shirt and his face was rather pale. didn't look like a ghost though but it was kinda freaky. (II) new open air library smacked in the middle of orchard road. framed black and white pictures on the shelves and the librarian on duty gave me the creeps. (III) skipped the library to a streetcorner where there were four different types of phonebooths. chose the one i was familiar with and tried calling the sayang but somehow the number co-ordination didn't seem to come out right. :

note to self:
persevere and earn as much as possible so you can have a new head, mind and home.

: about trespassing into this middle aged chinese woman's house.
and she had many weird ornaments.
and she didn't mind me being there either.
and her husband was kinda like that get smart dude with his phone in his shoe or summink. :

music = blur 'the best of' dvd.