boyfriend pillow!


wonder what sort of dreams it would induce? hahaha!

---

21 hours to go.
and counting.

last night

: (i) moved into a new apartment. at the topmost level. where the walls, flooring, furniture are white. and it had a super nice view. was expecting a dead body in the closet but none of the sort happened. (ii) supposed to watch a movie of the little prince. butmissed the first screening and instead got tickets of a sci-fi film 'stars of the galaxy'. tickets for the movies however were sold at a building across the cinema and when i was about to purchase snacks, we were caught in a group of youths busy taking photos of themselves. :

night of 270904 (bukit batok singapore)

: (1) dark and stormy night. in a boat with some friends. upon reaching the shore, friends walked away and i was left in the boat and apparently i had died. saw them smoking, drinking and frolicking outside a hotel and in a way i was glad i did not follow their footsteps. (2) aunty diana came to me and asked why i did not inform her about my older sister's marriage and i told her i would mail her the photos. after she walked away, i realized she was dead and i was at her wake a few hours ago.* (3) saw how the nickname 'suragani' came about. and while the place was not as exact, attire and gestures of protagonist matched the bill.* :

* lucid dreaming.
* it may just be dreams but i believe there's more to it.

karate - what is sleep?

for two hours before i sleep.

i make my problems come to me.

for five minutes before i wake.
i understand, i understand, i understand.

what is heavy, when you're weak.
when you're awake for days, what is sleep?

for 5 minutes before i wake.
i understand, i understand, i understand.

you all just stand by. you all just stand by.

you all just stand by.

---
and when the eyes approach slumberland,

there is no turning back.

ever.

coincidence part 2.

talking about death at 0100hrs.
reading about death at 0200hrs.
writing about death at 0300hrs.

going to the hospital to visit an aunt who almost died at 1100hrs.
received news of a family friend who died at 2000hrs.
received news of a friend's neighbour who committed suicide at 2100hrs.

one after another.

and it makes me wonder even more why i survived it 9 months ago.
this dream that we're living in.
when will i wake up from it.

here's a special thank you note for everyone who has made this nine months' existence tolerable. you know who you are. i do not have to mention any names.

addendum 0344hrs 22092004

fuck all of you.

i am spreading myself with iodine.

pinback - summer of abbadon. 2004.

: was staring at my reflection in the restroom of an airport and my hair was all static so i had to keep on applying water to it and after a while, it was ok. the restroom attendant was a strange old indian lady shorter than me and spoke to me in a language i could not recognize and she even made eye contact with me which didn't feel too well. :

: (i) at a girl's place in singapore. i do not know who nor why i was there. but the family was nice. sort of. (ii) witnessed a domestic helper switch keys around and sneak in to another person's flat without knowing. :

: forced to read a holy text. it was easy for me but reading it with no heart just seemed pointless. :

: of restaurants and jockeys and funny telepathic text messages and white cars in a parking lot. :

was never fond of white cars.

my 'punkrock' days of 2000 seem to be resurrecting. not fun, i tell you.

no fun at all.

: went to a cafe to meet up with friends and was introduced to newlyweds. a japanese lady married to an american caucasian man. sujikawa kagamoto was a country girl who went to the city and sold jeans and one thing led to another and now she's a yuppie. :

: was in a cable car in germany and took a photo of the new trains. it's kinda like the batman ride at goldcoast, australia. or is it the superman? i think it's the batman. where you go up 90 degrees vertically. anyways, the tracks folded up like origami once the trains passed by. pretty neat. :

team boo makes me smile.

it is a huge task to smile these days. and especially when you're standing at the edge of a cliff and there isn't much air to breathe and once you fall, you realize you don't know how to swim.

who else is doing the self-sufficiency thing?

travelling has become a chore...

i swear i am so tired.

a fragment of a conversation at my psuedo slumber party last night.

gryswtr: is that joey or justin?
gryswtr: i think it's joey.
gryswtr: no no it's justin.
gryswtr: i'm gonna cut my hair like justin.

thejealouspunk: why you wanna cut your hair like justin?

gryswtr: i wanna cut my hair like justin.

thejealouspunk: and joey?
thejealouspunk: joey fatone?

gryswtr: who the fuck is joey fatone?

thejealouspunk: you don't know joey fatone?

gryswtr: i'm talking about the locust.

thejealouspunk: oh. i thought you meant nsync.

---

addendum 23:44hrs

thejealouspunk: it's n. sync.

thejealouspunk: it's n with a star.

gryswtr: n*sync

---

*sniggers*

xox

trips. journeys. crossings. transition?

: me and dad walking along the banks of a river. and faced with many wild creatures along our way. dad then helped me to cross the river and walk along the side of the cliff. water was flowing at a rather steady speed and we had to maintain our pace so as not to fall in and drown. :

---

i am in desperate need of construction paper.

and chocolate and soda. grrr-ness.

someone explain to me the concept of coincidence.

the theme of the recent week is the 7th commandment. seven. a prime number.
a 'significant' number to certain groups of people.

"if the man is five and the devil is six, then God is ..." *

the moment i watched a film centered around the seventh commandment (AND more so started dwelling upon it), more analogies started springing up like mushrooms. be it film, books, writings, online blog/journal entries, music, television movies and so on and so forth.

is it just me or coincidence?
an omen most likely?
that the end of the world is nigh?

oh well...what else is new?

ps. not surprising that breach of the seventh commandment will most likely induce thoughts and even actions leading to the breaching of the sixth commandment. hrm. yes.

* the pixies - monkey gone to heaven

: running away for good. stopped at the beach. and we walked on the hot sand to a little hut. and the locust was playing. and there were lots of people. and i recorded their show via my recording walkman. i forgot to bring the mic you gave me so i used my earphones instead. mr pearson started the show with "are there any faggots in here?" which is not surprising. then you went off somewhere. i don't know where. and i sent you a text message asking if you took photos of the locust. you said you didn't but i could've sworn i saw you with a camera.:


scene changes.


: walking to a cafe with a mutual friend and he parked his car a long way off from where we were supposed to have our meal and we found ourselves in another parking lot and there were lots of stray kitties. mostly grey, brown and black. :



earcandy: minus the bear

what gives? i usually have my reservations for bands like minus the bear. but goodness, sometimes it is difficult to deny feelings that conflict with your personal ethics. what the heck. i like what i've heard. so ner.

: (i) had to assist in a kindergarten where they mostly sang chinese nursery rhymes. (ii) playing basketball and losing the edges of my teeth.* (iii) saw a shop that silkscreened grindcore band shirts and it was managed by a pregnant lady in a hijab. (iii) gave an old pair of sunglasses to a younger relative and it was far too big for her so i passed them on to my mother which was far too small. not sure what i did with them after that. (iv) trained a young boy to bite the edge of a stick i was carrying and he hung in mid air. stick between his teeth and all. :



* it's just a dream, right.

* only a dream.



listening to blue skied an' clear 2xcd (slowdive tribute).

: about being left on my own in an unknown place in the middle of the night and getting into an argument and then having to meet unnecessary people. about having to take care of someone else's baby. about meeting a nice girl and giving her a tube of chocolate candies instead of coffee. about hiding in a tent on top of a hill under a huge tree. about going to the doctor's and asking him for advice on my future and having to withdraw cash from a strange machine outside the clinic and it was outdoors and about to rain. about meeting *his* mom who was giving tuition and asking me how to deal with the students. about being underwater. about my mother who wanted to give me a huge necklace but i didn't want to wear it. about singing for some strange grindcore band. :

what a whole load of dreams within the span of five hours. meh.

congratulations to all the successful people out there. you may be happy.
but you know this sort of happiness won't last forever.
but what does last forever in the first place, hey?

music has been:

beastie boys - to the 5 boroughs (not good)
mew - a triumph for man (so so)
sodastream - enjoy ep + looks like a russian (still infectious)

nine months.

and still counting.

let's celebrate.

my death birth and resurrection.

a celebration of supposed living.

question once again this purpose of living.

living versus existence versus living versus alive.

it is a constant escalation of de-escalation.

rising up.

only to fall.

i cannot wait to fall.