: i ran away from him because he said something silly. perhaps i was sensitive and overreacted. but perhaps he shouldn't have said it in the first place. and i ran so fast. in that strange park. and almost fell off a cliff. he almost caught up with me. it was cold and i was shivering, trembling, my heart racing. surrounded by moss, weeds and emptiness. and i managed to get out of that maze. and stumbled my way up a double decker bus. he never found me but he sent me a text message. an apology. :


dreams are constantly shattered over and over.
how often do i glue back the pieces?
soon these pieces will crumble and fade.
and these dreams are no more.
believe in nothing and achieve nothing.


i don't know.
i don't know what to know.
oh hello kind stranger. please hold my hand and lift me up.

: part I. walked through the woods with a highschool classmate avoiding dinosaurs and such. part II. attended school and was also involved in a play where i played some old woman with a paperbag over my head. part III. met unnecessary people outside a club and listened to a street performer on his harmonica-type thing and made fun of spanish whores who were running down the hill from an abandoned house. :

eat vitamins and listen to pyramids.

the drugs are working. and at the same time they're not.
what supposedly makes you better, kills you.
and what kills you makes you live even more.
you dig?

been consuming way too much blue cap and while it elates me for a couple of minutes, seconds, the adrenaline cycles backwards. no rush during. sensations before and after. it's not that fun anymore. experiencing the same numbness. the feeling of your teeth falling out, soul floating out. and it's not like i havent a choice not to do it but it's been almost routine and i needed someone to slap me in the head.


thanks to thejealouspunk for waking me up.
for providing my greatest fix.

now that i've acquired the necessary tools for my existence,

it's back to the slaughterhouse.


kill! kill! kill!

past dreams

: mckenny had a cats and dogs delivery service. :

: was about to see i, robot perform in sinagpore but it didn’t happen. :

: an uncle was buying fabric to sew his own duvets and doonas. :

: ed was getting married. and i accompanied him to get gifts for his future wife. They included different sorts of coloured rings. the colours matched the different events associated with him and his wife. :

: stuck in a town in dustbowl america. witnessed fornication between two teenage friends. the mayor mentioned that it was difficult to survive on 1.90$ a day. witnessed the beheading of chickens and dog marrows being sliced open. :

: designed locust tshirts with jp. they included a lot of arrows around the neckline and geometrical shapes. :

tell me what i should listen to.

: met d.nair after rehearsal. then went to an ancient bookstore which had every genre available and we hung out at the theology section. the bookstore was dark and gloomy with very steep steps but that didn't really matter much to me. :

previously:

: (1) stood in a pond. water was chest high while i was trying to catch weird looking species of fish. (2) dad grew bamboo shoots in our backyard. and some nice looking juicy tomatoes. :

hello new readers. welcome to gryswtr.
in order to leave me a note, please navigate to your left.
and click on the word 'contact'. ta.

addendum (december 2010) : you know how to contact me.

dreams about moving. and dreams about families other than my own. and dreams about the same people in different forms, figures and shadows.

i don't like what i've been dreaming.
it's not very nice.

listen to cat stevens.

--->

the moment eyes were shut, all senses were taken over. numbing of the legs and body. my soul released. standing on top of me. hovering over me. laughing at me. my teeth being pulled out. my body trapped in a cloud. outlines of black shadows. my hands, my fingers numb. i released everything. it felt good.

<---



rm17 for a minute of happiness.

: went to brisbane to visit karl smith. it was a strange journey to his place via taxi and bus. he lived in a hotel room, door 18 and we hung out most of the time smoking cigarettes, watching tv. there wasn't much to do in brisbane apparently. so i went to the beach and there i met my mum and we bought ice cream. and i bumped into estella and she was carrying her 2nd child. she married a japanese man and she couldn't talk much as she was in a rush to go somewhere. :

listen to noxagt.

ward 402

: had the strongest dosage of sampoerna ever. a stick equivalent to twenty sticks. so fuckin powerful. some friends were there. and unknown neighbours. :

trippin' on lack of sleep and worry.

i'm not as strong as before.

thought it was friday yesterday.
and wednesday today.
such is the life of the gypsy.
i'm also coughing like a mad bastard.
it doesn't help.

: satu - was dressed up in an off white/beige/tan dress and a white veil. and held a bouquet. was about to grace the floors when someone pulled me away and said there was no groom and that i wasn't getting married. : i woke up with a weird sensation over me and i heard myself say "i'm prepared. take me now. but before i go, let me say my thank yous. " upon which i was dropped into slumber again. :

: dua - threw away some old packs of food which n.c. later made a fuss that i shouldn't have and she took them out from the rubbish bin and started devouring them. :

: tiga - lying down on a friend's bed when my body was jolted up. instantly looked in the mirror and there were huge red bumps on my face. was it the food i asked? because she had them too. before we could figure out the cause, i saw two huge spiders on the back of neck and i freaked out and told her to take them away. :

jitters down my spine.


it's ok to listen to radiohead every few years.

17:57au time

: part one - drove a slick silver porsche. sped through traffic like as if i was rushing for some traditional festival dinner. and i crashed into no cars. it was pleasant and exhilirating at the same time. part two - went up old blocks of flats. felt like i've been there before. molds on walls and the lights weren't working. went up the steps. not sure who lived there. but there were two lovely kittens. one grey, the other black. the grey one was friendlier."

soon i will leave this beautiful dreaded city.
i will miss you.
and i will leave this time, with a proper goodbye.

no turning back. i stick to my vows.

fuck you melbourne.
it's alright to be alone.
but i never wanted to be lonely.

14:41 hrs au time

some dreams.

: jp's name was changed to charity. i was interviewed by some zine to talk about wrestling. tw's house had a fishtank in every room. saw a serpent swimming in a pond nearby and it slid out and onto the rocks and chased a crocodile. :

my shoes need new 'souls'.

17:22hrs au time

"Dear Nadia,

I hear it's the week of your birthday! Did you know that every year around your birthday the Sun returns to the exact position in the sky as it was the day you were born? This is called a Solar Return."

like i care...


so 2 greetings from a career and astrology website. (separate of course) a card from my best friend and lots of hugs from my family. it's good to be remembered. funnily enough i tend to have a 'funeral' of my own but i just attended a real one a couple of hours ago at tobin brothers in north melbourne. vladimir joseph casha you will be sadly missed. my most sincere condolences to the family.

xox

13:18hrs au time

: riding up terraced mountains with beavis the cat dodging aliens who were carrying weed for rifles and jumping off cliffs. :

so. a dad dying from cancer.
a baby on the way.
and a wedding in the near future.
feels like i live in a fuckin' soap...


listen to spacehorse.

16:01hrs au time

been dreaming of my dad. last nite

: he told me he needed to alter his pants and we sat on the sand and faced a really large ocean and looked at all the little boats floating on the water. it was beautiful. and he hugged me and said he loved me. i reciprocated and woke up this morning sobbing uncontrollably.:

it was the best 20min sleep since way back when.

i don't drink coke.

but coke zero is yummy.

14:55 au time

: of jigsaw puzzle champions. of cults in schools. and a man-made god standing at the altar. he almost reached the ceiling, dressed in white cloth and he didn't have a face. just a black head. i think he was made of plaster. i don't know. the school canteen didn't have much food but the bread was delicious. next. a giant came wandering from the woods and wanted to live with us so we made space in the barn for him. :

i hate my teeth.

melbourne, australia. 23:33 au time.

over the past 4 nites, i dreamt of:

: tomato flavoured tobacco. looking at postcards with pictures of naked indian gods. involved in a huge science experiment. genetics and clones. and the labs were in a huge airplane with many alleys and rooms and white curtains and big televisions. of an old highschool classmate and a mutual friend who drove me to a mall to look at messenger bags. :

please write me. whoever you are.
winter is coming and i feel cold.
literally and metaphorically...

: 1. being in a big empty house and looking at looking at the spot where there should be a room but for some reason, the walls were torn down. 2. went to france and italy and italy had the best food. although really, italy didnt look like italy. had these weird banana ice cream deserts which came in different shapes and i had the one in yoda, but of course. 3. witnessed a fight between a couple of kids under the stairs. punches and swinging fists and curses and bruises.

my final dream entry from the 13th floor in singapore.

thank you to all who made my last 10 months a wonderful one.

appreciate the sound of silence.

if you repeat something long enough, often enough, it will end up being true.

whether be real, whether be not.

and it doesn't matter anymore really.

because trust is a game with no rules and no umpires.

and it's a constant juggling act with you as the juggler and being juggled.

be careful and alert.

walk steadily with your sight forwards and at the rear.

---

still the dreams are related to work.

but once, : a friend from across oceans wrote me a note saying,

"sister sister

cocaine is bad for you." :

was that a warnning or just a collage of illusions?


listen to karate.

what happened to all my dreams?

everything is crap now.



listen to your brain fucking your mind.

in unchronological order:

: was asked to play synths for elise and the gig was held in a strange club that looked like a mini warehouse. only plastiqueusa and another kid was in elise and there were no synyths at all so i hid behind a computer. there were strange monochrome boxes on the monitor and i made these weird wall-of-sound noises by clicking on the boxes and tapping the spacebar on the keyboard. elise played 3 songs and the set lasted for 10 mins. midway, dad came in and said not to play for the band but i said it's nothing and he said ok and left. :

: my sisters set up a small store in their house selling japanese stationery. they were really expensive but they had the coolest notebooks and gadgets and whatchamacallits.:

the other nite:

: i saw blood and i had 3 bottles of d. with me. it was weird. because i don't really do d. and coincidentally, i did see blood the next day. :

---

too much fatigue.

listen to smashing pumpkins.

gryswtr's Existing Situation
The situation is difficult and she is trying to persist in her objectives against resistance. Finds it necessary to conceal her intentions as an added precaution, in order to disarm the opposition.


gryswtr's Stress Sources
The existing situation is disagreeable. Feels lonely and uncertain as she has an unsatisfied need to ally herself with others whose standards are as high as her own, and wants to stand out from the rank and file. This sense of isolation magnifies the need into a compelling urge, all the more upsetting to her self-sufficiency because of the restraint she normally imposes on herself. Since she wants to demonstrate the unique quality of her own character, she tries to suppress this need for others and affects an attitude of unconcerned self-reliance to conceal her fear of inadequacy, treating those who criticize her behavior with contempt. However, beneath this assumption of indifference she really longs for the approval and esteem of others.


gryswtr's Restrained Characteristics
Becomes distressed when her needs or desires are misunderstood and feels that she has no one to turn to or rely on. Egocentric and therefore quick to take offense.


gryswtr's Desired Objective
Urgently in need of rest, relaxation, peace, and affectionate understanding. Feels she has been treated with a lack of consideration and is upset and agitated as a result. Regards her situation as intolerable as long as her requirements are not complied with.


gryswtr's Actual Problem
Wants to be valued and respected, and seeks this from a close and peaceful association of mutual esteem.


gryswtr's Actual Problem #2
Disappointment at the non-fulfillment of her hopes and the fear that to formulate fresh goals will only lead to further setbacks have resulted in considerable anxiety. She is trying to escape from this into a peaceful and harmonious relationship, protecting her from dissatisfaction and lack of appreciation.



---

gryswtr likes being analyzed by a computer.

so fun.



listen to the carpenters.

11february2006approx.1800hrs

at the above mentioned date and time, i lost almost all sense of hope and desire.

still, i managed to feint a smile.

and perhaps, continue to do so.



all i am now is a piece of frayed fabric.

wisfully thinking i can cloth this soul.

which isn't there anymore.



---



for those in the know...

why wasn't 03december2003 granted?

gryswtratblogspotdotcom is 4 years old today.

happy birthday! and many many more to come. (by the grace of God)

past month, i've had dreams of collapsing buildings, fire bending towards me and my family, crossing bridges and once i saw the formation of a rainbow. i thought that was beautiful.

been listening to wolfparade.