sometime last week :
: the world was divided into trekkies and star wars characters and you couldn't be in both worlds. on my way to register my 'passport', i went to the auditorium to watch a black and white documentary on blur (the band).  initially i was in the front row and then shifted to the middle row to sit in between politicians' wives who had really big hair. maybe they were wigs. anyway, after the doco, a riot broke out and i met a classmate from high school and he was a trekkie and he saw me off to my apartment and when i said "see ya!", he replied with "long live and prosper".

last night :
: went to a strange art show that was in a huge mall and there were many different themed rooms. one of the rooms had a wardrobe with clothes i had as a child. but really, i never did have such dresses. went to the second floor where i got stuck in a cooking show and i had to help the chef wash up many different sized bowls and wipe them with odd shaped dishrags. a fire then broke out and i ran to the parking lot and the security guard made a lot of fuss cos my driver had double parked. then i was transported to a room where i saw myself sleeping and when i woke up, i could only see with one eye cos the other eye shrank. :

listen to rem.

them nightmares are a-haunting me.

(i) : did not like the crowd i was with and ran on the open road. there was no traffic and i picked up the pace and day turned to night and the streetlights went off and i came to a dead end. had to turn back around and jumped into a block of apartments and hid under the stairs for a while and jumped back out again. :

(ii) : in a supposedly new mall and checked out the department store until closing time. and suddenly everyone turned into zombies. in a flash, i was on the sidewalk and was gonna share a cab with a chinese lady but then decided against it. :

(iii) : mother instructed me to bake some cookies and insisted on castor sugar for the mixture but there wasn't any. a second look at the recipe and i had to include chicken bones too. so operation : cookie bake was abandoned and the guests arrived and i couldn't be fucked. :

listen to the shaggs. (ok i kid. please don't.)

: gave a bowl of milk to a white stray cat with a decapitated body. it then morphed into a seven year old girl who claimed my husband to be her boyfriend. then went for a short daytrip across the causeway. returned and stopped by the most expensive shabby furniture shop that sold plastic laundry baskets ranging from twenty to thirty dollars. :

what is there to listen to these days.
you wanna share?

this is/was not a dream.
not a tangent from the subconscious.
just a little thought hanging from a fine thread...
falling...descending....into...nothing.

it has reached the climax.
where one is able to contain any further.
and what other outlet do i have?
but the enemy.
be with the enemy to run from the enemy.
but of course.

a certain course of fate has made me question constantly
about our way of communication.
and what we achieve from it.
our form of success and content.

this is what we have been reduced to.
these fine minute irrelevancies which are deemed relevant.
and if we submit.
we are in the club.
we belong.
we are in 'the loop'.

making a big deal out of nothing, am i now?
but at least it does not kill me if i am not updated.

see observe.
hear listen.
touch feel.
taste savour.
smell.

invalids. that is what you are.

p.s. me singular you plural. remember?

---

listen to chefs with bad accents.

: we had dinner at substation which had turned into a gourmet restaurant. initially opted for a la carte but then mother said the buffet selection was not too bad. vegetarian buffet. weird salads. interesting dips. fake bacon biscuits with peanut butter and caramel sauce. and a whole lot of cheese. was then brought to a supposed buddhist temple. had to make some weird offering to a god by blowing off the salt off a date onto a strange poster stuck on wooden board with shelves. then you had to keep splashing salt onto an altar which supposedly would ward off evil. :

the world turns in marvellous ways and brings strange tidings.
they twirl and twine around you.
do you allow yourself to struggle?
do you know what it is like to breathe?

i hate my computer and i want to die.

addendum: i don't feel like dying anymore but i still hate my computer. but not as much as i did earlier. and i hate its recent psychological and physical effects on me. and that affects me in ways more than one. i have started to pay more attention to my notebook and giving it more notice. however, i have not been bold enough to make the first move. typical me. unless i'm at the edge of a cliff and someone says tick tock.

my dreams are not as vivid except for the time where i was taught how to make french toast using peanut butter and salt.

"...looking forward to living forever..."

: last day of high school before finals. had to watch a performance in the school hall. some girl tripped over the stage, spinning around in her sari and no one gave a damn. was annoyed with some kid from another class who kept bothering me. a lift home from a classmate and discovered that bothering kid was my neighbour. overly anxious with finals because i had not been studying physics nor chemistry. met another classmate in the bus and we talked about midgets. i said that midgets were just like us and they did 'normal' things and they had'normal' feelings and he said his dad was a midget. some other kid told him that his mom was then 'scare white' and he got an absolute beating for that. too much blood in the bus. then i ran home to watch spiderman. :

then i woke up.

listen to paul dempsey.

: part I. went to see the beatles and they performed most of their hits except strawberry fields forever which was an absolute shame. then went for the meet and greet session but john and ringo had gone to eat. george was busy chatting with one of the roadies and i was stuck with sir paul but he was rather chatty so that was alright. part II. mom's friend came over to visit and i had to accompany her to a supermarket and i met her daughter and her daughter's friend and they were just plain weird. part III. drove an army truck around KL city and got stuck on a path which turned all video game like and suddenly red motorcyclists appeared out of nowhere and i lost control and couldn't hit the brakes on time which sent me down to a deep, dark hole. but i didn't die. :

you see that greener grass over there.
go fuckn eat it.

'i felt one eyelid twitch in irritation. why do so many people start their messages with "it's me"? of course it is you. we all know that. but who the hell ARE you?' - darkly dreaming dexter by jeff lindsay pg 131.

: part I. dgn brought me out to dinner . a vegetarian restaurant floating on the sea. gks was late but she made it nonetheless and it was awesome to see her again. even if it was in a dream. part II. some charity event at a madrasah / orphanage organized by my parents. meal served was seafood but it was not nice and i had to pay for it and i went away to a jetty and had seafood somewhere else. part III. led a tour to ancient chinese museums to old chinese ladies. one of them kept holding my arm but whenever her daughter was in the vicinity, she pretended like she had no clue who i was. part IV. a sleep spa. there were about four double beds. two of them were occupied by couples. the bed was was sprinkled with rose petals and chocolates and candy. you could somewhat 'rent' the bed and sleep in it for any time you please. but i doubt copulation was allowed. :

they have taken a slight turn.
focusing on a single character.
starting with dgn and her adventures with a person she was none less interested in. followed by elw and ih(from high school). do i mean something to them or a drawer just fell out from one of my memory wardrobes? spilling contents. displaying them all over.

it's the weekend and it doesn't feel like it.

listen to language of flowers.

last nite at my parents' house.
: did a 'metal' themed zine named 'dystopia' and distributed it at a toy fair. the featured article was 'the basic recipe of a processed baby'. :

there were more to it but i can't remember now.
still, it's better than dreaming about boring stuff like people you know and can't be bothered to care or deal with.

listen to heather.

NEW DECADES

numbers dictate pretty much every movement we make.
action.
direction.
whether we like it. or not.

and it is okay.

as long as you're still inhaling.
still existing.
still a memory in someone else's memory bank.
still scratching a surface on someone else's page.
friction versus friction.
as long as you're still exhaling.

to dictate and be dictated.
the numbers will always surround you.
and encompass you.
until time is up.

choose your own fucking adventure.

p.s. happy tenth birthday gryswtr. and may there be many more tens to come.

axe-oh-ex.

all hopes and promises are just temporal makeovers.
with water, they flow away.
wash away.
drain away.
there may be traces of stains.
but stains are not nice to look at.
not worth remembering.

instead.

they remind you of how ugly you really are.

hopes and promises are just ugly truths to cover up ugly moments.
to make ugly moments beautiful and lead on to more hopes and dreams.

dreams.
...
what dreams?

gryswtr is getting old.
getting older is not a problem.
it's healing old wounds and facing new ones that is.

unstitch thyself.

not being able to sleep is one thing.
having your heart racing at a million miles an hour is another.
45 minute naps at every interval with bizarre dreams can be really tiring.
all i could ever think of was sedatives and a syringe to go through my heart.

now that i'm awake...
i just want all of this to go away.
give me back my life.

listen to the truth spitting in your face.

xox

: mother planted strawberry stems in a vase outside my house and instead of pouring water, she poured milk. very odd, yes. :

in the past, dreams have been about crazy people doing ridiculous things. people that i do not want to remember or be remembered by. stop invading my dreams, you fuckers! i have other things to think about!

listen to the news and believe naught.

xox

: found myself in the 'LOST' jungle and being part of the others. had to unfreeze benjamin linus and was on a mission to find a stack of math test papers. once that was done, i had to solve a few equations. :

in the past, dreams have been about people from work.

listen to shakespeare's sister.

i say i say i say,

ME SINGULAR. YOU PLURAL.
ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS.
i my ME mine...

this is not a grammar lesson.
this is a declaration.
a self-explanatory one.

no explanations needed. no in-depth analysis.
no autopsy required.
and batteries will and shall and can never be included.

excuse me.

xox

last nite :
: i passed my highway code. the results were printed on a board at the entrance of the driving school. apparently i did well and got an A. the score was 116 over 186. and after calculation, that's only 62% which isn't an A. after that, the other participants and myself went to sit on a huge rock on a cliff to contemplate.

well there was more to that dream like kissing and incest, but i'm not going to talk about it. some stuff are just not meant to be recorded, ya know? they probably are locked in my brain but i do not need further reminding. and neither do your prying eyes.

some stuff a while back:

:brought dgn's family to the woods. went swimming in the stream with her dad. followed by riding horses in a meadow with yellow flowers. no, not sunflowers. :

:impromptu visits from two close friends. it was confusing and who should i attend to first, attend to more? too many decisions to be made. :

---

dreams from friends:
01. from ylp (06012009)
i dreamt of you last night, i don't know why. and in the dream i had to take you home to hartamas at night and i didn't know how to go back to my own home after that.

02. from dgn (19122008)
last night i dreamt that s.a and you and me were having ben & jerry's and we were very quiet until you said i can't take this anymore and you told me you needed a smoke and i said i'd come along. s.a. followed us and eventually said who needs you when i have the sisters and m.s. you then said go away.

---


listen to the pains of being pure at heart.

it sucks to be awakened by a dream.
worse still if it's a dream about work.
it's been a while since i've had such dreams but i don't miss them at all.
give me something more ridiculous instead of how i should conduct oral communication lessons.

in the past:

: one - drinking beer in a wooden hut pub. it looked like lemonade. tasted like lemonade. two - at carrefour looking at calculator watches. i had one before but this time they cost 29$. then there was a different model. when it illuminated, the background was a nice electric blue. the digits for the calculator were displayed behind a flip cover. and if you entered the correct code, you could play crossword puzzles. and if you got the right answer, another secret compartment would be revealed where you could store mechanical pencils. awesome... :

gryswtratblogspotdotcom is 7 years old today.
please send nice notes, emails, gifts, e-cards, comments to gryswtratgmail.com.
alternatively, you can sign the guestbook which no one has been doing as of late cos they all think it's oh so twentieth century. i know...i've said it before. but i like saying it again.

addendum : so the guestbook doesn't work anymore. *scowls*

listen to fat segal.

xox

it has almost reached a mark of a decade.
still, i do not get it.
how is one able to strip their self completely to the world?
without fear, without paranoia.
it is quite amazing.

how is one able to live a dream either?
because to me,
living a dream is by not waking up.


p.s those two paragraphs up there are not meant to be related.
just reminding you, in case you didn't know already.

xox

there has been a huge miscarriage.
a public display of hope and expectation that has been unfulfilled tremendously.
why the need to find such cheap audience?
why the need to let others pry into our lives callously?
always a conversation piece.
always on the prowl.
because tragedy is what they hunger for.
and perhaps you need it. but not i.

go ahead. exhibit your art of writing.

i admit defeat and failure.
time will show you when i surrender.

then we will discuss disappointment.

"aight?"

xox

: part one - murray asked me if i could give him notes on primary 5 english comprehension. i figured he had a new student for tutoring. he went inside his rented room and when my sister and i followed him, one of the tenants told us he was in a bad mood and he shouted, "get out! get out!". a few minutes later he knocked on my door and apologised. he had morphed into karl smith. there was a carnival downstairs. vans and hippies and folk music.

part two - attended a home show. 2 sisters playing some weird electronic piano that was v-shaped and they sat at different ends. one playing rhythm, the other bass. can't remember what their brother was doing. everyone was seated on white wooden chairs and suddenly a huge 2-D monster appeared and this other lady made time freeze. one person from the audience revealed himself as another monster and him and that lady got into battle mode and of course the lady won. and things went back to normal like nothing ever happened.

part three - the arts house in singapore was just like the one in melbourne. went upstairs to check out the roooms and it looked fully occupied. as i was leaving, i bumped into an old college friend. he and his family were running away from home and looking for a place to stay. i suggested a service apartment but they reckon it's too pricy. and then i suggested sam's bed and breakfast. their uncle came along and said he'll make a phonecall to some hotel near tiffany primary school. i honestly doubt that school exists. :

last week, i went to my parents' house for 3 nights and there were very vivid dreams. i stopped sleeping next to a notebook a long time ago and perhaps, i should again.

xox

while 2009 didn't start off too bad, in the dreamworld it has.

there have been dreams of pregnancy.
of people i do not ever want to meet ever again.
of being in strange situations with different members of the family.
--> being forced to fork out a ridiculous amount of money in an even more ridiculous time frame.
having to teach students in weird uniforms.
my cat and i suffered the same illness and we shared medication. (?!)
and more.

i seriously doubt these mean anything.

but let those dreams keep on coming.

listen to the cranberries.