building my army.

this is my armour.

my own battle.

my own war.

i will never give up.

i will never give in.

recite. recite. recite.



peace be with you…

can i please be with you…Lord…

--->

trip 31.07.04

the most heartwrenching experience ever.

my chest stretched and twisted.
the holy ground.

my father.

and a million demons encircling me.

this is not happening. . .

<---

: choice of public transportation these days seems to be the bus.  :

: a former lecturer gave me a choice between an array of watches and a few barbie dolls. none of the watches were nice. so i took the "underwater" barbie. it looked kinda freaky and the doll's makeup was rather smudgy. later on, said lecturer told me to take any watch at all and i had a look at the selection of the cuff watches but felt they were getting too cliched. :

the cold morning calls for the vida blue.

: was in this place which was half perth half singapore (singapore in the late 80’s). i was in town in ‘perth’ and waiting for the rainbow cat. the town was like a small courtyard and it was winter and i was freezing but i wanted to wait  outside instead of sitting in the dodgy pubs. he finally arrived and we boarded a double decker bus and went back home to ‘singapore’. there was this chinese couple in the bus who offered us some squid ball but i wasn’t really into it so i said no. rainbow cat was hungry so he took the plastic from the couple and upon reaching home, he found a pack of cigarettes hidden between the food. :



:  back in ‘perth’ and wandering around a suburb with big sister. there were two things i was fascinated with. one was a clinic for animal counselling. the other  was kinda like a  museum that focused on prehistoric artefacts. i went to the clinic and they asked me if i could volunteer and i said ‘sure if i have the time’. but the lady then kept calling me and asking me to come in but it was always during a bad moment. :



: was at the mortuary looking at some dead body when suddenly the body resurrected and he started singing some oldies song which i couldn’t decipher. he then asked for a pair of headphones and a transistor radio. :



there were more to the dreams above but they were all fragmented and it is quite a task to write them in proper sentences. i could use phrases but i am not really in the mood and especially at this time of the day and waking up on the wrong side of the bed.



been listening to the carpenters.

in chronological order. uh huh.

: (i) stuck in a reality show and i was forced to change my bedroom curtains to green ones and that got me extremely frustrated. :

: (ii) agreed to meet some classmates from university in an unknown mall in malaysia. (definitely not in KL) i was dropped at the shop houses by the side of the mall and there were these strange looking kids from one of the private schools nearby and they were smoking and staring at me head to toe. pretended not to look and fastened my pace. met the kids at the fountain in the mall and supposed to take photos but i ran out of film.  

: (iii - a) late evening. just after sunset. went back to the old place at west coast drive, singapore. i stood by the sidewalk waiting for a cab. the roads were littered with pepsi cans and junk. like it was new year's day and there had been a huge celebration the night before and no one cleared it up. finally hailed a cab and the driver asked where i wanted to go and i said 'far east plaza' and apparently he was involved in some fight and he was unable to bring me to said destination but he could drop me off somewhere close and i said it was fine. :


: (iii - b) got off at ck tang and the entire place was deserted. (think  28 days later) next thing i knew i was transported to a suburban area and will smith (yeah, that fresh prince dude) was waiting for me. i said hello. he demanded a hug. i said "no, no i can't hug you. i'm married." and he said "awww noooo....we gotta hug..." and i was like "no no, don't hug me." but he hugged me anyway and reassured me everything was fine and brought me to an r&b party in i don't know whose house and tlc were there and some act called little perfect. :

then i was awakened by lulu the cat.

right. that was a whole lot of "funny" dreams. not funny-ha ha, by the way.

cough has receded.
heart hasn't.

ho-hum.

it is not tonsilitis.
but apparently my throat is bad and this is worse than having the flu.

: i dreamt of mr siva. : 
 i've never even met him let alone know how he looks like and it's his funeral today. 

: then i dreamt of being  at the sunday markets at shah alam. i bought cold barley drinks that resembled fresh coconut juice in beer glasses. : 

coconuts. coincidence #76304. velvetsoulsuicides talked about coconuts and this is after i woke up.

: then i dreamt of being stuck in a disney contest and participants had to go through a strange staircase where the floor level was higher when you went down. someone  opened a door and it led to a strange parking lot. my team was then instructed to look for ingredients to a secret brownie recipe. *lame*.  sometime before the contest, i bumped into a primary school classmate and i wanted to talk to her but she shrugged me off. :  

that suddenly got me thinking of her. 


old classmates. old friends.
what we have is the past. 
not the present and perhaps, not the future.
i think it was best she shrugged me off. 
i would've done the same.

"we go a long way back" does not mean anything to me.
quantity versus quality.
please pass me the latter.

cough cough. onomatopoeia.
dear throat, you hurt really bad.

but not as bad as my heart. (emo cheese!)

so not fair.
please let it not be tonsilitis again.
i want a new throat. 

---

happy birthday lulucat.
i love you lotsa! xxx.

: [i] was stuck in some cooking class and made to write a recipe for someone. and i was being timed for it. didn't manage to write everything down but the basics were there. and it was a recipe for mashed potatoes. *frowns*. [ii] a stack of letters dating from 1995 to present found in my luggage. quite intriguing. : 

needles in veins.
and salt at the sides of tongues.

screaming with transistor, transitor.

: reading about dali before slumber has induced dreams about my eyes popping and rolling upwards into my sockets...half blind and therefore...not being able to do any form of photography at all. :
 
i am not surprised if history repeats itself.
dream wise, that is.
but best if it didn't happen again.
 
music has been placebo.

: something about keeping a baby elephant at home. something about blue paintings on the floor. and something about dingy internet cafes in weird looking malls. :
 
apparently, i can't remember too well.
sleep isn't fixed.

: too many books for my miserable satchel. old cameras and pencils. went to several gift shops. one of them had a swatch sale. 20$ dicount for girl watches only (?). and apparently girl watches are for those with a slimmer straps. bought one for a cousin. at an aunt's house and it was rather riotous. another scene shows me in a back alley coffee shop and lulu the cat came along but later she tried running away but i managed to get hold of her and she sat with me and she asked for a glass of orange juice. (yes, she spoke in english. not in meowish.) :

it's only saturday?
snap your fingers a little faster please.

listen to: sodastream

eating teddy bear biscuits last induced the following:

: (i) stranded in a park. location unknown. and i came across a lake and it was mostly like a moss swamp but not really. for some reason i threw my cap on it and it didn't sink. and there were weird creatures in the lake. like a tiny blue platypus and i saw a grey micro racoon too. then when i was walking around the lake, my cap sank and the one that retrieved it for me was a swordfish. the other animals crowded around me when the cap was retrieved and there was a particular fish that had the body of an eel and the head of a snake. (ii) at an animal show and there were loads of cats and the one i was most attracted to was a talking purple cat with white stripes. but it was far too smart for its own good. :

there were more to the above dreams but they are way too ridiculous to be even typed out.

like a bottle smashed to the ground and the shattered pieces scattered all around. and nothing left but a whimper and a cry. save me. save me.

sleeping to skywave induced the following:

: (in un-chronological order) (i) met mother at an italian restaurant in some weird building. and they only served pasta. and the sauces were of a strange variety but the ambience was rather nice. (ii) was in a glass elevator going down down down and the ground floor was the sixth floor and i found myself in some marketplace with rows of stalls selling arab candy. (iii) photographs from the wall were taken down. and photographs were given to me taken by the rainbow cat. all of them showed roots of trees and some looked really complex. (iv) at a dinner party with relatives and saw a dead cousin but he was at age ten years old. (said cousin left this world at 17 - 1999.) :


the air! the air!

there's something in the air!
oh yes, recent trips to space have made me shivery and i saw myself laughing at the edge of my feet. that is not uncommon but sometimes it can be pretty fuckin' scary.

a public plea to all the mosquitoes.

i come to you in peace.
please stop biting me.
i have done you no harm.

reside and play in the garden instead.
where you will be food for the frogs.
your death will not just be natural.

but honourable too.
and not by man-made chemicals.

thank you.


yours sincerely,
nadia. xox.

"just like the weather. there can be forecasts and there can be plans.

but you may never know which direction the wind may go.

and when the earth might swallow you up as a whole."

- n.a. 21st century propaganda, 1st pressing.



: of abandoned houses (again) and slides and carebears. :



someone get me a lightsaber, please.

doesn't matter if it's green or red.

thank you.